Don't go Chasing Waterfall's
by LokiwanKenobi
Summary: Lexa and Clarke - love each other from the fiber of their beings, deep down. But they stopped being in a relationship after Lexa left for college and "Left" Clarke behind. Clarke moved on, Lexa didn't. Life catches up to you, can love catch back up?
1. Chapter 1: Choices

Disclaimer: I do not own the 100, or any of its characters. Also, the image of Lexa I hope to put in your mind is the one of her created by tumblr user 'HAILHEDALEKSA' and the image you can find on my tumblr page as my background. (ForLoversOnly-Always) Feel free to follow and ask!

Trigedasleng is in this story. Its used as a language invented by Lexa and Anya when they were kids, and will show up occasionally. Translations will be at the bottom of the chapter.

This will bounce perspective of characters, and occasionally Lexa's dreams. I'll try and give you guys who is doing what clearly, and if you are confused, ask, I'll explain.

More chapter notes at the end.

* * *

It was a hot-humid-sunny-sunday-summer afternoon in Virginia, and Lexa Woods was standing outside a local cathedral propped against her Harley Davidson Softail with her arms across her chest. It was her prized possession. She bought it as a graduation and commissioning gift to herself. It was the number one thing in her life that was faithful, with all the tender loving care (TLC) she's put into it, unlike other things in her life.

Sweat gleamed off her body, the weather could care less that she was dressed in a simple white tank-top, dark grey skinny jeans, championship barrel racing belt buckle and shining black combat boots. Aviator's affixed to block out the sun, she stared at the doors, waiting on the inevitable, cursing herself and telling her boots she was no coward. She was at least going to give Clarke this letter herself, and tell her in no short of words that she was leaving.

She knew how this was going to go, and it was not going to be sugar, spice and everything nice... Sighing, she watched the door open. Abby went and got Clarke for her... at least one person in this world was on Lexa's side.

"Lexa, what's wrong?" Clarke asked as she walked towards her.

"I came to give you this..." she hands her the manila envelope. "Read it later. Please."

"Lexa... what are you doing..." Clarke looked at her worried. Lexa had done a good job hiding her planning for the past few months. Lexa pulls up her aviators, exposing her wide green eyes and pulling the brown hair out of her face, and aims a look at Clarke.

"Clarke... I'm leaving. Today. I have a flight to catch." Lexa said, deciding that sugar coating it wouldn't help. She looked at Clarke, hoping she wouldn't have to explain any further than that.

"You're leaving?" Clarke asked incredulously. "You are joking Lexa... The week before my wedding?" Clarke thinks for a moment, becoming solem... Looking up at her, Clarke noticed the sadness in Lexa's eyes.

"Wait... leaving..."

"You're leaving..." Realization dawns on Clarke's face.

"Lexa... you can't leave..." She looks with pleading eyes.

Lexa glances up from the laces on her boots. "Sha, Clarke. I am."

"How long..." Clarke started... "This is why you told me you didn't want to be in the wedding party..." she looked angry now.

Lexa looked away... absent-mindedly rubbing the tattoo that graced her forearm...

"Why?" Clarke is trying to hold back a sob, it hurts. "You promised you wouldn't leave..."

"I made that promise when I was seventeen Clarke." Lexa looks into her eyes, sad it came to this, hurt that she made this call. "We've been over this bridge, too many times to count in the past four years. I'm 26 years old... You've moved on... so I need too."

"That doesn't mean it hurts any less..." Clarke mutters.

"Hurts any less? Clarke..." Lexa gets flustered, turns, and mounts her motorcycle. "Look... You know why I am doing this. I'm not sitting back at watching you marry Finn Collins, douchebag debonair." She kicks back the kickstand. "Clarke, that letter explains everything." Motioning to the packet resting in Clarke's hands, biting back what emotion she can, she pulls down her aviators, looks up into the sun, and sighs.

"Clarke..." Looks at Clarke, making eye contact. "ai hod yu in. Always have, always will." and with a rumbling roar, she starts her bike, and pulls away. Trying not to look back at the assuredly crying lover she left behind. Biting her cheek, trying to bite her own tears at bay, she heads to her parents home for one final time to lock her prized possession away for a while.

Abby watches the interaction from nearby. She knows how much Lexa loves Clarke. It's why she is doing this. As Lexa rides off into the evening sun, she approaches her daughter and lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Why mom..." Clarke chokes out... "I don't understand."

"Because she loves you." Abby responds, simply.

"She left because she loves me, that makes zero sense." Clarke became angry. "No, she is selfish. She doesn't want me happy."

"Clarke, you need to read her letter before you make any assumptions." Abby reasoned. "You know as well as I do, Lexa does not just do anything like this without good reason."

"I don't know anymore, mom." Clarke said. "I feel like I don't know her anymore. She's been so distant lately... and now... now she leaves, for good for all I know."

"Clarke... Go home, turn off your phone, and read her letter. It will make more sense then." Abby reasoned. "I'll handle the rest of this." She motioned back to the church.

"Thanks mom." Clarke said, and headed for her car.

* * *

"Lexa, are you sure about this?" Anya says to me, hoping to convince me to stay, change my mind.

"Positive, Anya. She chose Finn." Lexa said, securing the bike cover on her possession.

"You had Gus." Anya shot back.

"I left Gus. When she came back I left him! Anya... Ugh. Nevermind. It's not worth it. I've had this argument with myself for the past two years okay. " Lexa shot back, coming out of the shed, fury spiking... She stopped herself and took a breath. "I'm leaving because she asked me for my choice, and I made it. I left Gus to be with her, and she choose Finn. Alright?" She closes the shed door, locking it with a padlock and hands Anya the key.

"Look... I love her. I have loved her since the day we met in high school and I haven't stopped loving her okay. Sure I've made some choices over the years, and attempted to move on when she wasn't calling for months and years at a time. But now... now I've made the choice to stay for her, and only her. If that means I surrender myself to a self imposed exile then so be it. She will know where to find me if and when she wants to be with me, and only then... only then will we be together. I'm not playing heartstrings anymore, mine or hers." Lexa rants, Anya needed to hear it. She's kept those secrets long enough from her friend.

Anya can only nod, this is something Lexa must do. Find her heart, reclaim it for her own, and move on, then, and only then, can both her and Clarke be happy together. She walks up to her friend, and pulls her into an embrace.

"Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, ai friend." Lexa says, grasping her forearm, a shake kept only between friends.

"May we meet again, and hopefully sooner rather than later." Anya replies.

"Take care of her for me, okay?" Lexa motions to the shed. "I'll be back for her."

"You got it, now get out of here." Anya shoves me to the waiting taxi. "Call occasionally will ya!"

"Yea, yea, yea." Lexa waves backhandedly. "See you later, Anya!" climbing into the car. "Let's go."

* * *

Clarke pulled her car into the parking garage and parked at the very top, looking out into the city, it was her favorite place to think. She looked over at the yellow envelope sitting on her passenger seat.

Ominously weighing on her soul.

Lexa's leaving, why does it matter?

If she was truly leaving, would she give her this?

Curiosity kills the cat. She picked up the envelope. It felt weighed, something was inside, shifting.

She opened it, and a key fell out. Looked like a mailbox key. Clarke fiddled with it for a moment, then pulled out the few pages inside the envelope. She instantly recognized the smooth scrawl that danced across the pages. Lexa had written this... _Go figure_ , Clarke scoffs to herself. "Typical Lexa..." Her eyes scan the page quickly, taking in the elusive scrawl of her former lover and friend.

 _Clarke,_

 _Hopefully, you're reading this alone, and no where near Finn. His jealousy will get this destroyed, and my message, lost in the depths of my heart._

 _I want you to be happy, Clarke, and if he is the one who makes you happy, then who am I to stop you?_

 _The reasons, well... I know you are hurt, so am I. I know that it was painful to watch me walk away. It hurt to not look back. I know you are crying, just like I am. My love for you is real as the day I kissed you in the hidden alcove back in high school. As real as my nerves are whenever you are near. As painful as walking away rather than watching you marry someone else._

 _The biggest reason of all? I love you. I cannot, no... I will not watch you be with someone else. I am doing this for you. I love you and loving you from a million miles away so you can happily love someone else is enough for me._

 _I am sorry that I hurt you, I am sorry that I must leave. That I'm breaking my promise after 8 years of trying to keep it. I know now that I only love you and I cannot bring myself to love someone else._

 _So, I'm going into what I am affectionately referring to a self-imposed exile. I've planned most of it out by the time you will be reading this letter. I'll start in London, and work my way around the world from there. I have no plans of length, except to stay out of winter so I can keep moving along and not be bogged down by snow or get caught in a bad situation. I intend to keep you up to date on the situation._

 _The key that I have included in this pack is the matching pair to the one I have. It is for a P.O. box I've reserved for the next little bit. Mom will maintain the payments, and it will remain open for the time I am gone. I will not have a phone with me. I'm cutting out technology for a while, except for my camera, laptop and GoPro. I've decided that I will at least send you pictures, maybe even video's of what I'm doing, where I am going, and what may be next in store for my travels. Please don't watch, read or keep these near Finn. There is a Safety deposit box that I've opened for you at the Federal Reserve bank in Richmond. You, and ONLY you have access to it. Please put any correspondence, videos or anything else I send you in there. If anything happens to you, I will be the only one allowed to access it after that. So your... our... secrets will be safe._

 _As for the question that is bugging you, and the answer's I've eluded. Will you ever be able to find me if you change your mind? Yes. You will. You may have to wait until I've eluded my next destination, but you can always find me. All you have to do is follow your heart. However, I ask that so long as you remain with Finn. You do not attempt to find me. I will not be with you so long as you remain with him._

 _Check the P.O Box every so often, maybe once a month. I am not sure when I will write, or if I can send stuff. I'm going to be doing most of this on a whim. There is only one way to contact me, and that is through Anya. She knows the only way, and that's only if it is an absolutely true emergency that I need to return home for._

 _Finally, I must say goodbye. If it's forever, then so be it... Your choice is your's to make, and this is mine._

 _I know you're angry, Clarke, and I'm sorry I am the cause of it. I love you, and this is what I must do. For you. You must choose your own happiness._

 _Forever & Always, _

_Lexa_

Clarke could not contain her crying after the signature. Lexa was doing this so Clarke wouldn't have to make the choice between her and Finn... It made so much sense now.

Was Finn really the one for her? Did she honestly make the right choice?

It felt like a stab to the gut from a dull blade.

"Lexa..." Clarke spoke aloud. She flipped to the last page. It was a picture... Lexa sat on her Harley, tattooed sleeve basked in sunlight, staring with shadowed eyes into the depth of the camera. The tattoo that graced the underside of her forearm exposed. Clarke knew it was for her. An ambigram of the two words Lexa whispered in her ear for the longest time "Forever" and when flipped "Always".

"What did you do to me?"

The question was spoken aloud to the empty sky above her, like a silent prayer.

* * *

" _Final call for passengers boarding United Airways flight 122 to London, Heathrow Airport."_ The announcement stirs Lexa from her thoughts. She stood, staring at the plane, _Do I really want to leave? Too late now, I guess._ She grabs her bag from the floor, takes a final glance around. Sighing... _Guess it's too much to hope she'd try and stop me._

She walks onto the plane, searching for her seat. She choose the location when she booked, so she knew it was a window seat with decent legroom. I notice the young teenager and the mother next to the space that would be mine. _Should be an easy ride then,_ Lexa thought to herself.

The Flight attendant began her pre-flight safety brief and Lexa couldn't help to ignore her. She took a deep breath as she settled herself in for a long flight. Resting her head against the back of the seat, eyes closed, she sent up a silent prayer. _Clarke, I hope you understand..._

It was only a matter of time till she could put her headphones in, in an attempt to drown out the sound of her own heartbeating, and the sound of her thoughts that overtook her mind. Clarke kept waltzing in and it was everything Lexa could do to stop the images of Clarke, crying, reading her letter, feeling heartbroken and hurt. Feeling alone, wishing Lexa hadn't left.

Lexa steeled herself as the plane began to take off, she wasn't good with crowds, much less compact steel tubes that flew through the air packed with people. _You'd think I'd be over this after the years I spent in the back of a C-130_. Lexa thinks to herself as she settles her nerves.

Finally the plane levels out and the seatbelt sign is turned off. Lexa unbuckles herself and relaxes a bit. _No turning back now,_ she thinks. _I made my choice, she's made hers. Choosing a scheming dirtbag who has done nothing but hurt her and control her and..._ Lexa growls internally and takes a deep breath. _No point in getting worked up over it now. What's done is done._ She digs her Ipod out of her bag and turns it on, drowning out the ambient noise of the plane. Closing her eyes, she sets her head against the seat, and controls her breathing, figuring she might as well get what sleep she can on the late night flight to London.

* * *

* **Lexa is dreaming, flashback to the past. Told from her POV** *

 _I'm sitting in my old high school, leaning against the stairs, back to the window, watching carefully the people in my surroundings. My best friend, Anya, sits next to me. We don't say much, we'd rather watch. Our final semester, only a few more months, she'll be headed off to basic, and I'll be headed off to VMI. I'm reading, half-heartedly the book in my hands. I hear a sound, and its one I don't like. I look up, and share a glance with Anya._

 _Not 15 feet from us, a special needs kid in a wheelchair, is being bothered by a young, dumb kid who thinks he owns the school. I stand, ready to give this punk a piece of my mind. She's telling him to stop, and he won't. He's jerking around her wheelchair, and refuses to listen. So i walk over, Anya is only a few steps behind. I place my hand on her chair, stilling it. It needs little force. "She said stop."_

" _We are playing around, back off." He responds._

" _Didn't sound like she was having fun." Anya chimes in. She's got her arms crossed standing just over his shoulder. I'm staring at him, daring him to try anything else. He eyeballs me, and tries again. "Stay out of our business, you don't know us."_

" _Last I checked, she said stop." I challenge him, taking just the slightest shift forward, to show him i mean business. He looks from me, to the two other girls sitting on the stairs, then back at me, then back again. I assume one of them is a girlfriend. It takes only a moment, but being surrounded with out back up, he relinquished, and left._

 _It was in the next few moments, everything changed. I became a hero in her eyes._

 _My dreams drove forward a few months, to a time when it was pure bliss._

 _It was May. I was only a month away from graduation. She had invaded my mind. I didn't understand it... Love? I thought so... Infatuation? Certainly... It was way more than that. She made me afraid. I was afraid to loose her. I hadn't kissed her, I was too naive for that, too scared at the feelings it would uncover. Until the day she goaded me, I never backed down from a challenge. We had been trading notes for a while, silent professes of caring, afraid of showing our love in public. I picked her up every morning before school, and she rode next to me on the bench seat of my old pick-up truck, singing songs, laughing and holding hands. Today was no different._

 _Today, she had written a note, and drawn a picture. and just above it... "Why won't you kiss me?" written. I was turning red, feeling flush, and she was watching me, she knew it was a challenge, and that's why she did it. I held my composure as best I could. She was staring, those deep blue eyes, trying to see what I would do. I folded the note back up, and stuck it in my pocket. Anya and another friend were laughing and chatting not a care in the world. I grab her hand, and lead her down the hallway to a corner where no one was, no kids, no camera's, and stood there, shaking in my own nerves. Pushed her gently up against the wall, and kissed her senseless. "How's that, Clarke?" I grin, she's speechless. "Happy now?"_

" _Yes, very." She smiles back. We walk back to our friends, smiling, and holding hands._

" _About bloody time you kissed her, Lexa. You looked like you were about to burst." Anya, smiled._

" _Shof op, Anya." I spoke to her in our code, a language we created as kids._

 _She laughed, and shrugged. I laughed too, and pulled Clarke in close. Afraid to let her go even now. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and I couldn't help but smile._

Lexa woke with a start. She rubbed her eyes in an attempt to remove the fresh images from her mind. It had been a long time since their lives of the past came to her so fresh. It had felt real, so real. Glancing around, Lexa confirmed that that certainly wasn't the case and she was still on the airplane.

It was a good thing she woke when she did, because it was apparent that they were closing in on London. She glanced out the window and watched the sun snake up over the horizon. Lexa sighed. She had made it to London. Now, she would start her next big adventure, moving on and attempting to let her heart build back the walls she had in place the before Clarke came back the last time. This time, she was in control.

She swallowed back a tear, and she decided then as she walked out into the fray of London's airport, that she wouldn't go chasing waterfalls this time.

This time, she'd chase the stars.

* * *

Trigedasleng Translations:

ai hod yu in - I love you  
Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, ai friend - May we meet again, My friend.

There is an arguement in this chapter i feel the need to explain. Lexa said to Clarke she made a promise when she was 17, and then said she is 26. Yes, its been almost ten years, and there will be a 'dream' of the promise. It'll show up in the coming chapters. Till then, be patient. I promise :)

Also, please Review! I want to know what you think, and review's help me think and get motivated to write more!


	2. Chapter 2: What Dreams May Come

Clarke sighed. It's been six long months since Lexa left, and she wonders every day about her. _It's probably her way of getting in my head, supposedly doing what I did to her all those years ago._ She chuckles quietly, even if that wasn't the case, Lexa would never intentionally do that.

Clarke glanced down at her hand, looking skeptically at the solitaire ring that now adorned her hand. Ever since Lexa left, she felt incomplete. She followed through with her wedding to Finn, convincing herself he was the one for her. Ever since Lexa left, though, doubts plagued her mind. The hurt on the first video that Lexa sent home to her was apparent. She could see the tears that Lexa fought to hold back. She could hear the strain in her voice, trying to remain strong, on the edge of breaking.

She closed her eyes, thinking of the first video and letter she received.

* * *

 _Clarke had just returned home from her week long trip with Finn. She was frustrated, Finn slept most of the time, and she spent that time, exploring on her own. What a 'honeymoon' that was. So much for all the fireworks and bonding it was supposed to be. She was headed out to make a quick trip to the store for groceries, that's when she noticed the abandoned envelope in her car. "Lexa..." she spoke silently. She reached for the mailbox key and looked at the key-tab that provided the address and box number._

 _She turned on her GPS and headed that way. What she wouldn't give to have Lexa home to give her an engulfing hug and tender kiss to her temple. Silently berating the girl for being so damned stubborn in her love and feelings. It'd been a long, hard month without her. She parked at the post office, and found herself inside, unsure of what to do. Nervous to find what Lexa may or may not have sent. She scans the boxes for the number, muttering to herself so she doesn't forget "319...319...319" She finally finds it... Takes a deep breath and opens it._

 _She releases the breath she didn't realize she was holding. There was a small package inside. Pulling it out, she noted that it had something soft inside. She retreated to her car, and opened the package. She pulled out a soft scarf, and held it close, feeling it and admiring its softness and smell. She next pulled out the letter, in its own envelope, addressed to her in Lexa's beautiful scrawl. She wipes a renegade tear from her cheek, not wanting to cry._

 _Clarke,_

 _I hope you are enjoying your honeymoon, or enjoyed it, wherever this finds you. I hope your life with him, is fulfilling. I hope your children are cared for, and you have everything you ever wanted. As long as you're happy, Clarke. That's all that matters, you told me he makes you happy. I just couldn't stand there and watch you marry him, but if you are happy, then so be it._

 _I can't help the to remember the days that we used to spend together. The late nights in the back of my truck watching the stars go by, talking about nonsense and talking about everything all the same. I miss those days, they were innocent and inconsequential._

 _Clarke, I don't know if you ever knew this... but everything I ever did, I've ever done has been for you and only you. I decided to do this trip, not only to give you space and opportunity to do what you need to do, but also for me. To allow me to find what I need, and where I need to go next._

 _I've made it to London, and I'll write when I can._

 _Lexa_

 __ _Clarke could no longer contain her tears. She looked at the letter with awe. The words that Lexa didn't even say spoke volumes. She folded the letter back up gently, and returned it to its envelope. Noting another piece of paper and a small SD card. She remembered Lexa had said something about her taking her GoPro and sending pictures. She glanced at the small note._

 _P.S._

 _Clarke, The scarf is something I picked up in Wales while I was exploring the countryside. It made me think of you, and I know the weather will start turning cold there soon. I hope you like it, and I hope it keeps you warm. The SD card has a video compilation of the pictures I've taken, as well as copies of all the hard copies. Keep them safe._

* * *

Clarke let out a sigh, that was hard, the first letter after Lexa left. There has only been a letter here and there, mostly with a small token from wherever she had visited. First England and Ireland, then Germany, France, Madrid and Barcelona, Spain. Then she wrote sending a letter from Greece saying that she was headed for Egypt next. Now, almost at the end of six months and she was hoping for more news. Where was Lexa headed next?

She won't deny that the monthly letters and pictures make her feel better and smile for a short time. She had begun to look forward to her monthly check on the 16th. Clarke grinned as she pulled into the post office and fished the key out of her glove box. She was happy for Lexa, it was always her dream to see the world and experience it for all its worth. It was just after three, and soon she would have to go home and make dinner for Finn, but this, this was her time alone for the next two hours, two hours to read her letter, watch her video and admire the gift she sent this time then head to the bank to lock the letters and video's safely away.

She felt disheartened when she opened the box to find a small slip of paper inside, only to see that the package was to be claimed at the desk because it was too big for the small box. She grabbed the slip and walked to the counter. Once she had the box, she walked out to her car. It had a bit of weight to it, and it was not a big box, maybe two inches in width, and about 18 inches long. Almost in the shape of a large book.

She opened it, and she could see the defined brown wrapping around a book, and a small envelope with her name, graced under the brown twine that held it together. She tugged it out and lightly dragged her fingers over Lexa's fine scrawl. _I miss you._ She thought. She folded over the envelope and dragged out the picture. Lexa was posed in front of the beautiful ruins of a building in Egypt, she was smiling. She flipped the photo and noted Lexa's easy scrawl across the back.

 _Clarke,_

 _I am sorry this isn't a full blown letter, but I didn't feel the words this time. Egypt is breathtaking for a place full of sand. The photo is of the ruins of the Library of Alexandria, which was burned down many centuries ago. I just wanted you to have this book I found, and to let you know I am headed to India next._

 _Thinking of you, ski prisa._

 _Lexa_

Clarke smiled at the old nickname. She tucked the photo back into its envelope, and turned her attention to the book. As she opened it, she admired the old and worn cover on the front. She opened the leather cover carefully, and noticed a pristine white piece of paper in front of the title

 _P.S. This is very very old, Clarke. Keep it secret, keep it safe._

Of course Lexa would put a snarky ass comment in when she could. Like Clarke didn't figure that out when she saw it. She slid the offending piece of paper out of the way of the intricate title of the book.

 _"The Story of the Sky_ "

* * *

As Lexa walked out of the airport in Dubai, she couldn't help to feel like she was drowning. Six long months since she'd been gone, and every day got heavier and heavier on her mind. She missed Clarke, every day, and writing and composing videos didn't help her feelings. She almost felt like going home.

 _Branwada_. Lexa scolded herself. She decided she would find a nice hotel, and call her mom. She deserved to treat herself here, she's spent six months on the road, walking, hiking and spending time exploring the hidden wonders of the world. It was time she took a moment to relax, and see her mother's face. It was closing in on the holidays. Maybe she'd go home, spend christmas with her new nephew, Hudson.

Lexa checked into an inexpensive, but decent hotel that offered internet, and settled in. Deciding she would grab a hot shower, before calling her mom. The last thing she wanted to hear was " _Lexa, you look like you've not showered in days, are you sure you're doing okay?"_ again. She loved her mother, but that was not what she needed to hear.

As she turned on the water and shimmied out of her jeans, she decided that some new clothes were in order. Her current collection was finally wearing out and in need of replacement. She climbed in the shower and let the water run down her rippled back. She rested her head against the cool tile, closing her eyes. As the water warmed, she felt it follow the lines of her shoulders and spine. It felt good.

She wrapped up her shower and dried off. Putting on an oversized shirt and boxer shorts, she climbed into the simple bed and booted up her laptop. Six months with only basic technology was a long time. It took some time to update, and since her mom was on the other side of the world, it would be a while before it was a decent time to call. So she leaned back and rested, might as well take a nap while she can. The bed engulfed her, and it was warm and comforting.

* * *

 ** _*Lexa's POV dream*_**

 _I was seventeen again, it was turning out to be a long hot summer, but I could care less. I was driving my reliable '97 Dodge Ram 1500 extended cab. Sure, it had some rust, but it got me through Senior year, and I had spent every day since graduation that I wasn't working spending time with Clarke. She was curled up in the middle of the seat, right next to me, in a white spaghetti tank top and daisy dukes. Radio blasting, windows down, just driving like we had nowhere else to be. It was another late night rendezvous. I parked my truck off an old back road, and all you could see where the stars that lit up the night._

 _I hopped into the back and pulled her up beside me. I grabbed the few blankets and pillows I kept in the truck box out and laid them down. She sat down and I followed suit. We laid there for hours, talking about everything nothing all the same. I peppered her lips with light kisses in between words, and smiled when she giggled lightly. This kept on for hours on into the night, and it heated up then slowed back down. Clarke made my heart flutter and my mind turn to mush._

 _"Happy birthday, Lexa..." Clarke finally said. I smiled, I was finally 18, and I kissed her. Clarke paused, I felt her frown._

 _"What's the matter?" I asked..._

 _"You're leaving tomorrow." She responded._

 _"No I'm not Clarke. I'm not leaving at all. I'm just going to college. I'll still be here, I'll be back. I promise, I will never, ever leave you." I swore. "I love you, Clarke." I wipe the tears from her eyes. "yu laik ai won en only, ai moon en stars, ai morning en ai sheidgeda. yu laik the won ai hodnes."_

 _I kiss her lightly, trying to sooth her tears. We've had this conversation before, her begging me not to leave. Like I was actually leaving her. She knows she's my one and only, its for her, for our future._

 _She kisses me with a passionate fury, like tonight will be the only night left on the planet. I position myself gently on top of her, hand slipping beneath her thin top. I feel her breath hitch, and a slight moan escaped her lips..._

* * *

Lexa woke with a start, breathing heavy. That was not something she wished to reflect on this time. She clambered out of the bed, and washed her face off in the bathroom sink. Looked into her own reflection, and noted the tears that threatened. She took a deep breath and swallowed the pain.

Finally, she sat at her computer and noticed the time, 9 pm local time, should be early enough stateside to call her mom. She opened skype and double clicked on her mom's icon.

A few moments later, she grinned.

"Hey Mom."

"Lexa! I wasn't expecting you to call!"

"I had some free time, mom. I've missed you."

"I missed you too, Lexa. When are you coming home, honey? Christmas is coming up."

"Yeah mom, it's one of the reasons I wanted to call. I'm considering coming home for the holidays."

"You should, Lexa. Clarke misses you, your friends miss you."

"Clarke? You've talked to Clarke?"

"Yes, dear. Clarke has come over to visit occasionally, asking a few questions about things regarding her pregnancy and whatnot... I thought she had told you..."

Lexa paled...

"Lexa, are you okay honey?"

"Clarke's p-pp-pregnant?" She choked on her words.

Lexa looked at the ceiling, visibly gulping down her emotions.

"Yeah, mom. I'm fine."

 _God, no I am not fine, what torment I suffer for her._

* * *

Trigedasleng Translations:

ski prisa = Sky princess

yu laik ai won en only, ai moon en stars, ai morning en ai sheidgeda. yu laik the won ai hodnes. = You are my one and only, my moon and stars, my morning and my night. You are the one I love


	3. Chapter 3: Better Days

Onto the story my lovelies, i tried to get this out to you before i went back to work this week, All the angst, please forgive. Was listening to Evanescence when I wrote most of this.

* * *

" _Clarke's p-pp-pregnant?" She choked on her words._

 _Lexa looked at the ceiling, visibly gulping down her emotions._

" _Yeah, mom. I'm fine."_

"Lexa..." her mom pushed...

"Mom, let it go. Its nothing that can change now. I'll be alright." Lexa steeled herself. "So, Christmas."

"Alright, well. Your sister will be up, along with your Uncle Ryder and cousin." her mom began. "I'm not really sure who else, but I would hope that you would at least come home for the holidays. Now that I know you're coming, I need to know your christmas list, baby girl."

"Mom you know my standard list. I just want to be with my family, and forget about everything else. You know? I spent three christmases in the sandbox, family is all I need." Lexa responded.

"Do you need anything for your motorcycle? What about that car that you've not touched in months in your shed?"

"My shelby? I don't know, haven't looked at her lately to see what I need to do next. As for my bike, it's fine, I'll probably have to tune her up and ride her a bit." Lexa said.

"Well, think about it. I need to get going honey, I've got a conference call in twenty and my boss is pinging me." Her mom replied. "Let me know when you're flying in, and I'll arrange to pick you up okay?"

"Alright mom. Love you."

"Love you too, baby girl."

They share one final smile, and Lexa ends the Skype call. Sighing, she took in the moment to breath. Clarke was pregnant... _She's married, she's got every right to do what she pleases with him._ she huffs to herself.

Sitting against the edge of the bed, she closes her eyes, and steadies her breathing, attempting to clear her mind and meditate the thoughts.

Was all the pain really worth the effort?

* * *

Clarke pulled into the driveway and took a deep breath. This was not a confrontation she was looking forward too. Anya never liked her, or at least she made it seem like she never did. She put the car in park and climbed out. Anya was already on the front porch, arms crossed and her scowl set.

"What do you want, Clarke." Anya said as soon as Clarke closed the car door.

"Well hello to you, Anya." Clarke snarked back. "How nice to see you too."

"I am assuming you want something, since you never visit. Ever." Anya says. Clarke remains at the foot of the stairs.

"I need to speak to Lexa." Clarke responds. "I know you know the only way to contact her, and she said if I ever needed her to come see you."

"Why should I let you Clarke? You hurt her, worse than ever before, by marrying that prick." Anya got defensive, and angry, and walked down the stairs to get in Clarke's face.

"Look Anya, I'm not here to fight. I just..." Clarke stutters and looks at her feet. Rubbing her neck with her free hand. Her leather jacket exposing a purpled forearm ever so slightly.

"What's that..." Anya said, keen eyes not missing the bruise.

Clarke caught her gaze, "it's nothing..." tugging her sleeve back down.

"Clarke... it's almost 90 degrees today..." Anya began, snagging her arm. "There should be no reason for you to have on a black leather coat."

"Anya, please..." Clarke tried to tug her arm back... "Don't do this."

"Clarke. Take off the jacket." Anya commanded softly.

Clarke cast her eyes downcast and stopped fighting Anya. Letting her unzip the jacket and tug it off her shoulders. The crew cut t-shirt hid the majority of the bruising, but Anya was no fool. She saw the traces of purple and yellow peeking out of the collar, and the dark purple handprints on her lower arms.

"That son of a bitch..." Anya started.

"Anya, please."

"No Clarke. He is hurting you, I'll kill the son of a bitch myself!" Anya began, dragging the girl inside.

"Anya, why are you doing this?" Clarke started, baffled at the change in demeanor.

"Clarke, I may have spent the past few years being displeased with some of your choices, but I do not hate you. I don't like what you've made my best friend do because of her love for you. However, I will not stand by and watch a man beat you, Clarke. Men who beat women have a special place in Hell. Once Lexa finds out..."

"NO!" Clarke yelled. "Lexa can never know."

"Clarke, I'm going to tell Lexa. I will not keep this from her, so don't you dare ask." Anya started. "She asked me to keep any eye on you, and this was the last thing that needed to happen under my watch."

"Just wait then... you aren't lying if you just don't mention it." Clarke started.

"No Clarke. I'm going to tell her when she calls." Anya began.

"I was trying to leave..."

"What?"

"It started a little over a month ago." Clarke began. "He came home drunk, and I was pissed off. We were supposed to go to dinner. He wanted It. I wanted nothing to do with him. That was the first time he struck me."

"Why didn't you call the police?" Anya pressed. Silence greeted her. "No, you can't tell me that puny little punk has intimidated you?" She pulled her phone out of her pocket. "This is ending, today."

"Anya, please..." Clarke pleaded.

"What Clarke?" He deserves to rot in prison for this!" Anya started.

"I know! Okay! I messed up alright? Is that what you want to hear?" Clarke started.

"Clarke, I'm not mad at you, okay. I'm pissed off at him, I'm pissed off we didn't notice this earlier." Anya started sitting next to her. "I'm going to call a friend of mine the police department and get her over here. She will make sure that all of this is taken care of and you can leave him. You are also welcome to stay here until you find a place, okay? This ends today."

Clarke could only nod, biting down the few tears that had escaped, wondering why she never made an effort to like Anya more. As Anya stepped away from her and put her phone to her ear. Clarke's eyes scanned the bachelorette's small home, eyes falling on a collage of pictures, she stood from the seat she had fell into earlier. Her eyes fell to a picture of Anya and Lexa, standing together in a dust bowl of sand and desert, military issued uniforms almost blending into the background, rifles peaking out from behind their backs. They were smiling and embracing in a pose that showed they were close friends. Lexa never told her that Anya served with her, frankly Lexa never talked about her deployment... she mused.

"That was in Kuwait. The only time Lexa and I spent a few weeks on base together." Anya pulled her from her thoughts. "Her unit was always moving around, and that was the only time we ever saw each other while we were deployed."

"What happened to her over there?" Clarke asked, eyes never leaving the face of the smiling brunette.

"That is not my story to tell." Anya said sadly. "Lexa never really told anyone what happened except a select few. She keeps that stuff in a locked box, you know that."

"I messed up really bad, didn't I?" Clarke said, speaking more so to the picture of Lexa than to Anya.

"It'll be alright, it may take some time for her to come around again, but she will." Anya said. Clarke was pulled out of her gaze when a firm knock sounded at the door. "Come in Indra. You know better than to knock here." Anya hollered. "Clarke, meet Indra. Indra is a friend of ours, she joined the local uni's after we left the service. Indra, this is Clarke."

"You're Lexa's girl." it wasn't a question. "What is his name?"

"Finn, Finn Collins." Clarke said.

"Alright, girl. Tell me what happened." Indra motioned to the couch. Clarke took a seat, and a deep breath.

* * *

 _They were all gathered in the common kitchen for their dorm room, laughing and making dinner. Octavia was chopping the veggies, Raven was tending the pasta sauce on the stove, and Lexa was sitting at the table, out of the way of the two chefs, managing the music and working on homework. Her paper for Keller never wrote itself._

 _She was doing online college since she decided she was going to enlist and leave college full time a year ago. Raven and Octavia were in her Basic class with her, and within days they became inseparable. Cascada was playing on the radio and Raven and Octavia were dancing around each other and laughing. That's when Lexa's ringtone cut through the noise and she paused the music, much to the dismay of the others. It was a number she didn't recognize._

" _Who's calling you at nine o'clock at night Lex?" Raven asked._

" _Hello." She answered, shrugging to her friends._

' _Hey stranger.' The voice came through, Lexa's throat caught._

" _Clarke?" She asked. Octavia and Raven noticed the pain that appeared in her eyes. She stood from her seat and walked out of the kitchen to the hallway._

' _Yeah, beautiful. How are you?'_

" _I'm surviving, how are you?" Lexa's voice began to shake. There was something about this girl that always set her heart racing and her voice disappear._

' _Good. What are you up to?' Clarke never asked definitive questions, always evasive to find out answers._

" _Just studying right now, the girls and I talked about going out later tonight salsa dancing, but I'm not sure. How have you been? We've not talked in months, Clarke." Lexa probed._

' _Yeah I know. I've been good. I miss you' Dodging the question, as usual._

" _I miss you too..." Lexa always responds. Silence hangs on the air._

' _How is the army?' Clarke finally asks._

" _Keeps me busy between homework and drill. Scuttlebut is that we might be prepping to ship out soon." Lexa responds. Same as last time._

' _How long will you be gone this time?'_

" _Who knows, Clarke. It always changes. They six months, it could be two years." Lexa explained. "Why does it matter? It's not like you're coming home anytime soon." Lexa regretting the retort as soon as it came from her mouth. "Sorry, I'm just stressed out."_

' _No, Lexa, you're right. I probably won't be coming back soon. I've been back and forth but never longer than a month.' Clarke responded._

" _I wish you would call me when you're actually here. I would visit you." Lexa said._

' _I know' Clarke said._

" _I still love you Clarke. Always have, always will." Lexa said._

' _I know.'_

 _Silence hangs on the air. Raven and Octavia come out to the hallway looking for Lexa._

" _Look, I gotta run. Will you call tomorrow?" She asked._

' _I'll try.' That always meant no._

" _I love you Clarke, alright? Bye."_

' _I know, bye.' Lexa closes the flip phone, and rests her head in her hands._

" _Why do you let her do this, Lex?" Raven asked, squatting down to her level._

" _I don't know... I just don't know." Lex responds, shaking her head in her hands._

" _Come on, up. You need to eat something." Octavia pulls her arm and hoists her up._

" _I'm not hungry anymore."_

" _Tough, you're gonna eat, or we are going to force feed you." Raven said, pushing her into a seat at the table and clearing her laptop and books._

" _Fine, I'll eat." Lexa begrudgingly agreed._

 _As they were digging into the pasta they made when their SGT walked in._

" _Hey Sarge, what can we do for you?" Raven asked._

" _Briefing 0600, we got orders. Hoorah?"_

" _Hoorah!" They echoed._

* * *

Lexa had just barely sat down on the bed and began drying her hair after a long day of exploring when her Skype dinged rapidly.

 _Lexa  
call me  
ASAP  
when you get this  
It's important _

Anya never messaged her on Skype, they always emailed. Lexa didn't hesitate and clicked the call button. Almost immediately, Anya answered the video call.

"Hey Lexa." Anya answered, the closeness to her face showed she was on her phone.

"Hey Anya, what's up?" Lexa responded.

"Nothing good. I've got news, none that you will like the sound of either." Anya said, Lexa could tell she was moving around, probably trying to find a quiet place to talk.

"Anya, what is wrong?" Lexa said, fearing the worst.

"It's Clarke..."

Lexa sighed. She didn't want to hear this. She was trying to rebuild her walls, rebuild the boxes in her mind.

"I wouldn't have you call if it wasn't important." Anya began.

"Spill it, An."

"He's been beating her."

"Do WHAT?"

"Hold on, I'll show you." Anya started walking with her phone on her side. She was going somewhere. Looked like a police office. She heard voices and Anya talking to someone.

 _What has he done... What have I done? I left. I left her with him..._

"Lex you there?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, say Hi to Sarge." Anya said, walking into an office and turning the camera around. Indra's face greeted her.

"Hey Sarge..." Lexa said. "What is going on?"

"Just look." Indra said. Lifting up a couple of pictures. "I took these this morning." Lexa eyes glazed over at the familiar arms and back of the woman she loves.

"How?" It's the only thing she trusted herself to say.

"Apparently it started a month ago. He's been drinking and causing problems because she's been refusing him when he's been drunk." Indra started. "I've got him in lock up now, drunk as a skunk. She's been trying to leave, apparently, but every time he finds her and drags her back home apparently."

"How is she?" Lexa asked, finally in control of her emotions and looking back at Indra and now Anya, the phone propped up on Indra's desk.

"She's fine, surviving." Anya said. "I've invited her to stay at my place if she doesn't feel safe at home, but she already has a restraining order against him, so he can't come within 200 feet of her or her house."

"What about..." Lexa paused, afraid to mention it.

"What Lexa?" Anya asked.

"Mom told me a couple of days ago that Clarke was pregnant..." Lexa said, the question answering itself.

"She didn't mention anything to me, Lexa." Anya said.

"However, she's with the M.E. now, I'll call down and have them check." Indra inputted. "You, on the other hand, should probably come home. She needs you."

"I'll see what flights I can catch. Anya, can you call my mom? Tell her what is going on? Looks like I'll be coming home sooner than I expected." Lexa replied. "I'm not sure how long I'll stay, it's still hard, but I'll at least come home and see her and let her know I'm still there for her."

"Yeah, I'll call her when we are done here. Let me know what your flight sitrep is and I'll make sure your bike is waiting in the parking garage for you." Anya said.

"Thanks, oh and one more thing..." Lexa said. "Don't tell her I am coming."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"Alright then, I won't tell her." Anya said. "See you soon, my friend."

"See you soon." Lexa ended the call, and immediately pulled up flights back to the states. One seat was left for one that left in the morning for her and arrived in the late morning there in two days, with a layover in California.

She clicked book and forwarded Anya the flight details. Now she had to try to sleep with all the new information mulling around in her head.

She was going home.

She was going home wayyyy earlier than she expected.

Way earlier than she wanted.

 _Love is a fickle thing._

* * *

 _Please review! I need those... Please!_


	4. Chapter 4: Brighter than the Sun

Lexa leaned against the balcony on her hotel room and watched the dawn begin breaking over the horizon. She had been standing there for a good hour now, and she knew she needed to get going to the airport.

She turned and grabbed her already tightly packed bag and slung it over a shoulder, and with a determined walk, headed down to the lobby of the hotel, firmly tucking her wayward thoughts away for later.

She had a flight to catch, and later... Some ass to kick. There was one thing you didn't do, no matter where in the world Lexa Woods was, and that was hurting the one person she cared about the absolute most, and her mom. She protected those she cared about, always.

As she essentially marched into the airport, passport in hand, and went through airport security. Her hair was wrapped with a scarf, but she received looks from the locals with her legs exposed in shorts. She was one for comfort, and her US passport and military ID got her through checkpoints with no issues. When she arrived at her gate, she took a easy stance at the window, She wasn't in the mood to sit for now since she would be on an airplane for the next long while.

There were seats nearby, and an older gentleman occupied one and was clearly engrossed in a book that looked like an autobiography of Thomas Jefferson.

"It's not often I see someone reading history as if it is enjoyable." Lexa broke lightly, and softly. Projecting her voice just loud enough for him to hear her.

"It's not just enjoyable, it's a passion of mine... Miss?" He glanced at her, seeking her name. He was proper.

"Woods, I'm Lexa Woods." She introduced, holding out her hand for him to shake. "Nice to meet you, Mr.?"

"Bourke, Robert. Miss Woods. It's a pleasure to meet you." He stood up and shook her hand. "Not often someone so young can pick a history book out of a crowd."

She chuckled lightly. "History is a passion, Thomas Jefferson is an Idol, and American Military history is the specialty. Bachelor of Arts, haven't sought for my master's yet, but eventually."

"Oh well this is a delight! Why are you in India, Miss Woods?"

"Lexa please." Lexa interrupts.

"Lexa?"

She chuckles as she thinks about the question, how to answer it. She doesn't get much opportunity to respond.

"Hiding? or Running?" Bourke asks. _Wise old man._ She thinks.

"Both? I guess." Lexa responds. "I'm going back now, I'm needed at home."

"For how long?" He poses, the conversation has become a gentle back and forth. He seems to be needling away Lexa's need to speak to a random stranger about her problems. Silence greeted him while she mulled the answer over. He remained seated with his book in his hands, and she remained standing facing the taxiway of the airport.

"That all depends. I need to find another job. I wasn't expecting to head back so soon, and I've been out of work for 8 months now, between planning this trip and adventuring for the last six months. Now I'm cut short and my funds are about to dry up." She started. "I'm considering on going back to school to get my masters now while I can. Not sure where to start though." She was interrupted by the intercom calling for a flight.

"Thats me," Bourke said, closing his book and packing it is his briefcase. "Look, Miss Woods... Lexa. I am an Advisor at the University of California in San Diego." He pulled out his wallet and held out a business card. "I'd be more than happy to help you out on your Master's, and possibly even getting you a job with the University during or after you get your degree."

Lexa took the card and looked at it, so surreal meeting a stranger by chance like this and have a door open. _All that crap they taught us about networking actually works..._

"Thank you, Mr. Bourke." She held out her hand for him to shake.

"Now it doesn't have to be today or next month, but when you want to start the process, just give me a call. Registration for the fall semester starts in Mid-march, but the sooner you start, the better chances you have." He said as he took her hand and gave it a firm shake. "I hope you figure out whether your running or hiding soon enough. San Diego is a big city, and it's hard to run into the same person twice."

"Thank you, I'll definetly do some research and give you a call. It was an honor to meet you and safe travels. May we meet again."

"May we meet again, Lexa." He smiled and returned the greeting. "Safe travels." He turned and headed towards his gate.

She returned his smile, and watched him leave. She turned the business card over in her hands, mulling the idea over. _Sunny San Diego..._

Maybe she'd give it a chance, that's the least she can do. She kept folding the business card in her hands. The idea mulling in her head as her plane was called. If she made this choice, she'd do something for herself, start a new path.

* * *

Clarke sat in the stark white room, uneasy and alone. She felt like a pincushion and on display. The intrusive photos and tests they took... Standard procedure, they said, for victims of domestic violence. _Standard procedure my ass,_ she thought angrily. She was becoming impatient, she wanted to go home, get a nice hot bath and relax. No, she was stuck here, wondering where Anya was, and Detective Indra, the woman who had essentially interrogated her, or so it felt.

She was about to set her jaw and march out of here and find someone, when Indra and Anya walked in.

"Why didn't you mention you had a bun in the oven, Clarke?" Anya started, straight out of the bag, no holds barred. Just her style. This is why they never got along.

"I didn't think it mattered." Clarke started, "Plus, it's none of your business." She snapped angrily and then looked down and wrung her hands. She was fighting the tears that threatened to burst, the verge of a breakdown she was holding back for the privacy of her own home, a home that she now wasn't sure was where she wanted to be.

"Fields!" Indra said, stopping Anya in her tracks. "That is enough. You can wait outside."

Anya hesitated for just a moment, debating on arguing with her former sergeant, before stepping outside and waiting at the door. Clarke sat in a seat next to the exam bed with her head in her hands. Indra could tell she was holding something back. She squatted down in front of her, and pulled her hands away from her face.

"Tell me child, what happened?" Indra asked.

"You've seen it, do I really need to say it?" Clarke asked quietly.

"Yes. I need to know so I can put him in jail, Clarke. Do it for the child." Indra pressed. Meeting Clarke's green gaze.

"I lost it... two days before I went to see Anya." Clarke started. "When Finn came home, it was late, and he saw the test on the counter..." She choked on a sob. "I was sleeping. He found it and decided he didn't like it, and you see the results."

Anya had snuck back in the room at this point, and walked over and pulled Clarke into a hug. Realizing the girl had been through a lot and needed a friend, and Anya was as close as it came until Lexa came home. "I miss Lexa... I miss her so much."

"I know, Clarke. I know." Anya shushed her and just let her break down in friendly arms. Indra left for a moment and spoke a few words with the medical examiner in the hallway.

"Anya, Clarke. I'm going to bring this information up to the D.A.'s office. Please take Clarke home and both of you get some rest." Indra said, sitting a bag on the exam table. "Here are your belongings Clarke. For the next two days, please stay with Anya. I'll have someone escort you home to gather some belongings. Otherwise, your house is in my custody till I have finished my investigation." She looked at Clarke, making sure she understood the instructions. "Anya, a word while Clarke gets dressed." Anya pulls Clarke away from her body and looks her in the eye reassuringly, and then follows Indra outside.

Clarke moved to the bag on the table and begun dressing after the door closed.

"She's got a few ribs that are bruised, and some abrasions on her abdomen. The doctor on call has given her some strong ibuprofen to help with mild pain." Indra started. "She will probably need to go to see someone to help with what after effects might arise. When is Woods expected back?"

"Sometime tomorrow afternoon. She should be arriving in Boston tonight. She said she'd call me when she landed." Anya informed her.

"Good, I have a feeling, no matter how Lexa feels right now, Clarke needs her the most." Indra started. "You need to press to her that she stays until the end of this whole debacle. You know she will want to give Clarke her space, and allow her time to recover and figure out her issues."

"Yeah, she will push Clarke away after a few weeks. She's spent months reinforcing her walls." Anya said.

"Yes." Indra said. "Just make sure she stays away and rests the next couple of days."

"I will. I need your help tonight though. I need to park Lexa's Harley at the airport without Clarke seeing it." Anya asked.

"I'll see what I can work up." Indra offered. "Maybe I'll send Lincoln by later with some chinese?"

"Yeah, that'll be good." Anya said. "See you later, Sarge." She knocked on the door and heard Clarke say _Come in._ "You ready, princess?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

* * *

 _Lexa was sitting at the highest point of the mountain on her campus, watching the sun set across the valley. She had a lot on her mind. Sure, classes hadn't started yet. She was there getting the freshman matriculated into the school and getting her dorm room settled in. But tonight, it was her birthday, and she in no way felt like celebrating._

 _One whole year had passed since the last time she laid eyes on Clarke. One whole year to the day the last time she touched her face, stared into the green eyes that looked into the depths of her soul and captured her heart with a vice grip._

 _She stared out over the valley and wondered where the girl was now. She hadn't heard from her in 6 months now,_ and that probably won't change, _she figured. Sighing to herself, she clicked next on her ipod and continued listening to the music that matched her mood. Her phone started ringing... it was Raven. She pressed the volume button to silence the ringing. Not in any mood to be bothered by her friend, Raven always knew when something was wrong. Lexa wasn't in her room, and wasn't bothering her or Octavia. So, there is reasonable deduction that she's disappeared to wallow in her own thoughts._

 _After a few moments, she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye... Glancing over, she noticed Octavia crossing her legs a few feet from her. Lexa removed an ear bud, opening the door for Octavia to talk._

" _Raven is about to send out a search party looking for you."_

 _Lexa just shrugged. "You knew where to find me."_

 _Octavia shrugged in return. "You always hide up here when you're thinking about her."_

 _Lexa shot a look at her, not liking the harshness of the girl's voice._

" _I only speak the truth, Lex."_

 _Lexa sighed,_ she's right _. "I only find peace from my thoughts here."_

" _I know. You can't always run from reality though. You know that." Octavia was too smart for her own good._

 _Lexa didn't respond. She wasn't sure what to say... Rather just letting silence engulf them while the sun's last rays cast out over the budding autumn valley._

 _After a few moments, Octavia spoke again. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but I know how you hate surprises, especially today... but Raven's got the whole class in a tissy throwing you a surprise party."_

" _Ugh, really?" Lexa sighed. She wasn't in any mood to celebrate her birthday._

" _At least try to act surprised and happy?" Octavia pressed. "She's only trying to help you through tonight."_

" _I guess. She's gone through this much trouble." Lexa said._

" _Good, cause now I gotta drag you back." Octavia said._

 _Lexa stood, "there will be no 'dragging' me anywhere, O."_

" _Then I guess you should start walking, cause here she comes." Octavia stood, motioning down the hill to their classmates headed for them._

 _Lexa just laughed, and shook her head. She had to give it to Raven, that girl was determined when she set her mind to it._

" _Woods get your ass down here!" Raven shouted._

" _Why, Reyes? You think you can actually catch me?" Lexa sparred._

 _Raven grinned. "Nah, I can't, but he can." She motioned behind Lexa._

 _Lexa turned and saw Lincoln standing just meters behind her._

" _Cheater!" Lexa shouted, walking down the hill towards the girl._

" _All's fair in love and war, Lexa!"_

* * *

Lexa's alarm pulled her out of her sleep. As she turned her alarm off, she rubbed her face and thought about that day. That was a memory she wasn't a fan of. That day, later on that night, Clarke had called her. Completely forgetting it was her birthday, and asked her to make a choice. A choice she never got to give the answer to. Clarke asked her to choose between loving her as a friend, or loving her the way she still loved her today. She was supposed to call the next day for an answer... She never did. She didn't hear from Clarke the remainder of that year...

Now, now she knew the girl more intimately than before. Loved her harder than she ever thought possible. And now, she was headed home to face her leaving the man she choose over Lexa.

Lexa glanced at her phone, it was foreign to her after six months of little to no use. She turned on the sound and clicked through her notifications. Lots of emails, and texts. But the one she was looking for was from Anya.

 _Bike is in North Parking garage... Keys are where they usually are._

It was super early this morning she sent that. So it must have happened on her way to work. She worked out a quick reply, _Thanks, headed back to the airport now. See you in a few hours,_ then returned the phone next to the business card she stayed up pondering over most of the 'day' before. _Maybe, just maybe_ she mulled, pulling herself off the bed.

She went to the bathroom and splashed her face with water and brushed her hair. Returning it to her standard braid down her back to keep it out of her face and out of the way. Today was a day she would face head on. She stared at herself in the mirror. She looked tired. Sure she was darker now that she spent the summer months backpacking across europe essentially, but the tired that lingered behind her eyes was still there.

She scanned down her toned body, tattoo sleeve hiding most of her scar from the bullet wound that graced her bicep. She still felt the phantom pain occasionally... Her eyes darted to the other would that graced her skin. The scar still there, albeit less angrier than before... The mirror changed to a quick flash of her lying in the sand, convoy around her up in flames, and the metal shrapnel shard sticking out of her shoulder. A few inches to the left, and she would be either a paraplegic or dead. Instead, she lucked out, or so they said. She got 90 percent of her movement back in her shoulder and there was very minor restrictions of things she couldn't do, but nowadays, that meant nothing. She didn't climb trees anymore, and rarely pulled anything that was more than her body weight.

It wasn't the physical really that affected her anymore. She fought for her body, using therapy and rebuilding her muscles as a way to cope with the PTSD of that fateful day. She was Honorably discharged from service, sure. The repercussions of being tossed back into society though, was another story.

She shook herself from that train of thought when her phone dinged. That was another story for another time. She had her return flight to catch.

Glancing at the notification on the counter, Anya had texted back

' _Clarke is at my place per Davenport's request. She has been instructed to stay there and rest for the time being, but who knows. Just be cautious. I know she's been visiting your mom more often than not._

Lexa shook her head... _Of course Sarge would sent Clarke home with Anya._ Just another place to avoid till she was ready to face the music.

 _Okay, I'll arrange a time to come over later tonight or tomorrow._

Lexa knew she couldn't beat around the bush on this. But the least she could do is call her mom and let her know what was going on. Or she could just surprise her.

She quickly got dressed and headed out of the airports hotel and found her way to TSA checkpoint. She was only about thirty minutes from her flight time, and hopefully that went by quickly. She decided she would skype her mom from her phone when she got to the terminal.

Her light outfit and flipflops helped her get through quickly. She liked the fact that she was able to get through things quickly. Her military ID and passport helped her move quickly. She wasn't much of a patient person. She found a quiet corner of the gate and opened the skype on her phone. It was early enough her mom shouldn't be on any calls. Probably just crocheting another baby blanket for her nephew. She hit the call button and it took a few rings, but her mother finally answered.

"Hey baby girl. I wasn't expecting your call today." She started.

"Yeah, I know. Mom, I wanted to call you and ask you something." Lexa smiled at her mother, she missed her. Her mom was her rock in her life, steadfast and unchanging.

"What's up."

"How often has Clarke been visiting you?"

"Oh, I don't know, once or twice a month. About every 10-12 days. Why?"

"Curiosity. So i'm assuming that because she visited you... 8 days or so ago... You won't see her for another four maybe?"

"Something like that, she normally just texts and asks if its okay to visit. If I am home, that kind of thing."

"Okay, can you do me a favor then?" Lexa asked... Her mom gave her a look. "If she asks today, please tell her no."

"Lexa..." Her mom started.

"Mom, it's a lot to explain, and a very long story. Short story... I'm in Boston, and I'll be home tonight. She doesn't know I'm headed home, and I'd rather see her again on my own terms."

"You're headed home?"

"Yes."

"And you don't want me to tell Clarke?"

"Yes."

"Why Lexa? That girl comes here because it's the only way she can get a piece of you."

"I know mom. I just... Look. I'm going to see her either tonight or tomorrow. But most of this is Clarke's story to tell, none of it good. Okay?"

"Alright, I'll trust you. I'll be busy today if she asks." She confirmed. "So you'll be home for dinner?"

"I think so. Anya parked my bike at the airport this morning." Lexa started. "I've got an errand to run before I can go see her or come home for the night."

The airport terminal speaker came over and interrupted their conversation.

"Mom, I've gotta run. My flight is here. I love you, and please, please don't tell Clarke."

"I won't. See you soon baby girl." Her mom smiled at her.

"See you soon, Mom." Lexa smiled back and ended the call.

At least someone was looking forward to her return home.

She grabbed her bag and headed for the boarding line, stifling a quick yawn. She needed a cat nap on the plane if she was going to survive the rest of this day.


	5. Chapter 5: I Miss the Misery

**_Okay, so If anyone has noticed, the chapter titles are songs. I'm going to go back and add in the song titles and Authors in the chapter notes so people can go and listen to the song if they would like._**  
 ** _This chapter is "I Miss the Misery" by Halestorm._**

 ** _I would also like to add to those reviewers who are demanding me to update faster:_**  
 ** _I just started a New job two weeks ago. I am trying to type when I can and get chapters out when I can. When you only have two days off in a week, non-consecutively, and I don't get home most nights till 7 or 8 pm EST, and I leave around 0530. You cannot blame me when I don't update except once a week or so. I work, just like every other human being on this earth. So please, keep an understanding. I am writing and updating to the best of my ability and the reviews are great and they keep me motivated. Just keep in mind, I do have to work, and I will update when I can._**

 ** _Onto the Story:_**

* * *

Lexa headed out of the small airport easily. She didn't have to wait for a bag at baggage claim, she packed light when she left, and kept it that way for the duration of the trip. Anything she wouldn't be able to keep on her body would be shipped home.

She glanced about the parking garage scanning for her bike. She had already texted Anya letting her know she landed, and hadn't received a reply. She started walking down the center, scanning as she went. Her phone dinged quietly, and she glanced at it.

 _East corner, all the way in the back._

Lexa looked east and caught a glimpse of her bike. _Go figure._ She headed that way and sent off a quick _Thanks_ to Anya. She pulled her spare bag key out and unlocked the bag she and Anya had attached before she left and found her keys sitting gently on a hoodie. Give it to Anya to preempt the cooler weather, knowing Lexa would be in her tanktop and jeans. She had changed before she left so she could ride, but didn't have a sweater. She pulled it out thankfully, and noticed her boots underneath of the sweater. _Cheeky bitch_. She thought, and like the snarky bitch she was, another text arrived.

 _Enjoy your presents. I'll be home by around 1630-1700_.

Lexa shook her head and kicked her tennis shoes off and chucked them into the bag, and donned on her leather boots. She wasn't one for material things, but she would be lying if she said she didn't miss her bike and boots.

 _Thanks asshole. See you around then I guess. ;)_

She sent off her text and checked the time. _1430\. Two hours to head to the police station and talk to Sarge, and then Mom's for a quick visit before heading to Anya's and seeing Clarke._ She did a mental checklist of everything as she dawned on her helmet and then kicked the bike to life. She grinned under the familiar rumble of the beast and headed out of the parking garage.

Richmond International Airport was small, but the freeway between there and her destinations was four lanes wide and smooth. She opened the throttle and let the bike ride the road. She may not be looking forward to her evening, but by god she was going to enjoy the roar of the engine beneath her while she could.

She set her sights on her first stop. Richmond City Courthouse.

* * *

Clarke was bored. She had slept in a bit today, felt stiff, sore and still tired after the long night she had. The stress had taken it out of her, and now she felt out of place.

She didn't want to mess with any of Anya's stuff, but she trickled through the Tv channels, cleaned what little mess there was in the kitchen. In an attempt to not clean every surface in the house out of boredom, she tucked her hands under her arms and stood staring at the picture she noticed the night she came over to Anya's in search of a way to contact Lexa.

She inwardly had hoped that Anya left some clue about how to do it, but so far nothing stood out. She decided that she would ask Anya when she got back this afternoon. She needed to hear her voice and be reassured she was still out there.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, staring at that picture. But it was long enough that Anya came in from work and noticed it.

"If you want a copy, I'll email it to you." she said, walking into the bedroom to change. "I'm expecting company in the next hour or so... You may want to dress." She hollered from the room.

"Who?" Clarke asked.

"A couple of friends from my days in the service." Anya replied.

"Alright. Have you talked to Detective Indra today?" Clarke asked.

"No. She mentioned yesterday she was stuck in meetings all day today." Anya replied. "Anxious to leave already?" She snarked.

"Anya... "

"Relax Clarke. I'm messing with you." Anya said. "I'm gonna run out and grab some fresh foods to make dinner. You okay for twenty minutes?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, I'm gonna take a shower." Clarke said, gathering what she needed.

"Alrighty." Anya said, as she moved to the front door "I'm gonna step outside and get a fire going, if you need me just holler."

"M'kay" Clarke said closed the bathroom door. It was a small space, just a stand up shower, but she didn't figure Anya as a bathtub soaker type.

As she quickly shedded her clothes and climbed in the shower. She let the past few days wash over her as she thought about everything that has happened. How could she let Lexa leave like she did it the first place? Why did she make Lexa feel like she had to leave the way she did? Why didn't she follow her, and leave Finn? All these questions and zero answers.

As she finished up her shower, she decided she would find Lexa. She would follow her and find her, but before she did that, she would figure out her feelings.

 _Yeah, that's what I'll do._ It was time to start chasing the one person in the world that always put her first. Now, she would put Lexa first.

She finished up, got out and dried off, before dressing, she noted her bruises in the mirror. Tenderly skimming over her ribs with a gentle finger. She should probably go see her mom, she might have a cracked rib, based on the deeper colors emanating from her lower left abdomen.

 _Shit!_ She realised just then, she hadn't called her mom to let her know what was going on. _She's probably wondering why I haven't called either. God I hope she didn't swing by the house..._ and if it wasn't right on cue, her phone started vibrating rapidly. The caller id gave away the culprit. _Speak of the devil._

"Hey mom, whats up?" She answered.

"Clarke, honey thank god. I haven't heard from you in a few days, and got worried, I swung by your house and there are cops all over the place!"

"Yeah mom I know." Clarke replied. "It's a long story..."

"What happened Clarke?" Abby pressed. "Where is Finn?"

"That's what happened mom. I made a massive mistake and it's turned out to be disastrous. Finn is in jail." Clarke replied, giving it to her quickly.

"Honey, what happened?" Abby asked.

"Domestic Violence, Assault, Sexual Assault and a few other charges." Clarke replied.

Silence greeted her...

"Mom..."

"Are you okay?" She could tell that her mom was trying to keep her cool and be there for her daughter.

"I'll be alright."

"Where are you?"

"With Anya, I've been told to stay with her for a few days till the police are done with my house." Clarke replied. "Although, I'm considering selling it. I can't stay there anymore."

"You can stay with me..."

"I know mom, and if I need to I will. No, I think I'm going just list the house and be done with it." Clarke said... "Can you call your realtor friend and have her take care of it?"

"Sure honey, I'll get right on that. So do you want to elaborate on what happened?"

"Not particularly..." Clarke said. "Look, I just got out of the shower, can I call you back later?"

"You promise?"

"Yeah, mom, I'll call you back tomorrow." Clarke replied. "I just need to process everything."

"Okay, call me when you're ready. I love you, Clarke."

"I know mom. I love you too. Bye."

"Talk to you later."

She groaned as she hung up the phone. She finished getting dressed and left the bathroom, putting her clothes away in a laundry bag she had. She walked outside to get some air and see what Anya was up too. Finding her off the back porch stoking her fire pit, she just stood and leaned against the railing and watched as the sun slowly tucked itself behind the evening clouds. It offered a pretty sight, it was still early, but dark came earlier now.

"You seem lost in thought these days, princess." Anya spoke gently. "Not as talkative as normal."

Clarke shrugged. "Lot to think about when something like this happens."

"Well, sounded like you evaded the tenth degree of interrogation in there. You know, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you need too. Help around occasionally, maybe pay a bill or two and I'm cool with it." Anya proposed while she tossed a few logs onto the now budding fire.

Clarke stood up and went and sat at a chair around the fire. "I'll think about it, so long as you think about calling Lexa for me."

Anya mulled over the idea for a bit, letting silence engulf them for a few moments... "I'll think about it."

Clarke just nodded... She lost track of time as the sun started setting and the fire burned before her. Anya went about her business, getting ready for her company. As she moved to and from, she finally bent down to a cooler and grabbed two beers. She opened both, and held one out for Clarke.

Clarke glanced up at her, and reached for the beer.

"To help take the edge off."

"Thanks." She took a generous gulp, then shook the initial taste off.

"You get used to it." Anya smirked and took another sip of her beer. She looked over her shoulder as a car came in the driveway. "Looks like the party is about to start. Relax, Clarke, meet some new people, make some friends."

Clarke could only give her a half smile, and take another drink. She wasn't so sure she could deal with a lot of people, but she would at least take the opportunity to try.

But it seemed as more and more people arrived and showed up she cared nothing more than to sit and stare into the depths of the fire and tone out the people around her.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there. Just staring into the flames.

* * *

Lexa paced frustratingly in the lobby of the courthouse. She needed to speak to Indra about what was going on, and then go talk to Clarke. She'd been waiting for an hour now, and it felt like too damned long. She forgot how dull the american court system was, and just how long it took to process things.

What felt like an eternity later, the doors finally opened and Indra strode out with a purpose.

"Sgt. Woods. What are you doing here?" Indra asked as soon as she spotted her, which was almost as soon as Lexa spotted her.

"Sarge, please don't use that title here." Lexa asked, trying not to cringe.

"Then I ask you to do the same, Detective is fine, or Indra." She rebutted.

"That'll be rather difficult, Sarge. Since I've been calling you that for almost six years." Lexa responded.

"Then as a higher ranking NCO, you're lucky I don't order you stop." Indra smiled, "What can I do for you, Lexa? Although I am sure I don't even need to ask."

"I need info, sitrep, etc." Lexa asked.

"I can't give you anything you cannot find on a public forum, Lexa." Indra said. "You know that."

"Nothing? I need to know what I'm about to walk into, Sarge."

"Look, all I can tell you is that he won't win. Clarke is safe, but if I were you, I'd take her away from here. I'm not sure his contacts and I'm not sure what he is capable of. He attacked an officer the other day, and it took several others to get him off. That said officer is now in recovery from a few busted ribs. Much like Clarke suffered from." Indra explained quietly.

Lexa nodded along. Finn screwed himself attacking a cop.

"Alright, I can deal with that. Can you let me know any information about dates and whatnot? I'll be in town for a while, and I can at least show up for Clarke's sake." She asked.

"I'll make sure you know." Indra agreed. "I need to get going, I've got things to do."

"Thanks again, Sarge. Appreciate it." Lexa shook her hand.

"Go take care of that girl, Lexa. She needs you more than anything now." Indra said, pushing Lexa towards the exit. All Lexa could do was laugh, wave, and shake her head.

She made her way to her motorcycle, and glanced at the time on her phone. _1630, shit._ She spent too long of time in the courthouse and now couldn't go see her mom before going to see Clarke. By the time she showed up at Anya's, it'd be well after five-thirty. She plugged in her helmets headset and tucked her hair behind her ears as she dialed her mom and started her bike. Quickly explaining what had happened and that she'd be in later than she expected. It was an hour ride from the courthouse to Anya's on a good day in traffic. She opened up the throttle and just let the bike ride the road.

She thought about San Diego, Mr. Bourke, Clarke, and her time overseas. Life seemed much simpler when she was just trying to find herself and find another meaning to her life. The things she changed, or wanted to change.

Now? Now it was all back and she was home and now going through another stage to help Clarke and move the earth for her if that's what it took. Sometimes she couldn't help but question... When does it change and the earth moves for her?

As she wound her way down the back country road, she could only imagine what would happen next, and the closer she got to Anya's house... The more anxious she got. The harder her heart beat in her chest. The subtle shake in her frame and not from the chill that had settled under the evening sun.

As she pulled into the drive, noticing the glow from the fire pit at the back of the house. She took a deep breath and set the kickstand down and tied her bag off to the seat. It was now or never. She knew only Anya had noted her arrive. Sneaking in at the last traces of light allowed her to arrive without her lights on. So for the moment as she slowly took off her helmet and pulled her braid over her shoulder. She knew she had only a moment before she was noticed.

As she edged her way around the house. She was taken aback by the sight of her normally talkative and bubbly ex-slash-lover-slash-friend silent with a beer in her hand. Eyes glazed over the fire like it was the only thing that existed. That scared her.

What happened to the green eyes that were so full of life when she left? The eyes that stole her life and captured it for their own.

She took a deep breath and finished her journey to the fire pit, within moments everyone noticed her, and smiles were traded and a beer shoved into her hand. But the one pair of eyes she couldn't break from, shot up at her in disbelief.

Like she was a figment of her imagination.

 _I'm here, Clarke. Right here. I see you._

* * *

 _Lexa was heading south along 288, windows down and music up. Glancing at the GPS, she noted her exit was for Courthouse road. She was headed to see Clarke. It had been six and a half long years since they last saw each other. Clarke was finally back in town and so was she. She had called the night before and she didn't even ask if she was allowed. She told her flat out, "I want to see you tomorrow." It wasn't a choice._

 _As she got off her exit, she turned the music down and sent Clarke a text telling her she was about five minutes away, according to the GPS. Her nerves skyrocketed when she got a simple 'Ok.' back. She knew better than to read into text messages, but she did. She took a breath and tried to steady her breathing, it felt like a dream, and hoped it wasn't a practical joke._

 _All the worst scenarios flashed through her mind as she got closer. Would she recognise me? Had she changed much? Was she with anyone?_

 _It all changed as she pulled up the road next to the house and put her truck in park. She questioned herself one final time as she sat there for a moment. She knew she was Alice in this whole game and Clarke was her white rabbit, but would Clarke stop running this time? It terrified her, warzones didn't terrify her, but Clarke and her disappearing act did. She scolded herself and sent a text. 'I'm here'_

 _She climbed out and headed to the door, rapping lightly. What felt like the world came crashing down in one instant, the door opened and Clarke stepped outside. They stared at each other for a silent moment._

 _Six_

 _Long_

 _Years_

 _Defined_

 _In_

 _A_

 _Single_

 _Moment._

 _Their eyes caught and time seemed to stop._

 _And in the next moment, all decency aside, they grabbed for each other and hugged as if an eternity had passed. Within that moment, Lexa felt whole again. Clarke was back in her arms, and it was like the world stopped turning._

 _Clarke was the first to break the silence._

" _You're shaking."_

" _I'm nervous."_

 _There was that glorious laugh she had missed all those years, and the smile she ached to see._

 _They held each other and looked into each other's eyes._

" _I missed you." Lexa said._

" _I missed you." Clarke replied._

" _Is this a dream?"_

" _I hope not."_

" _Me either." Lexa pulled her tight again, like she was a life force threatening to break._

" _I'm here, Lexa, and I'm not going anywhere."_

 _If only Clarke knew how much Lexa was praying to god that promise was the truth._

* * *

Clarke wasn't sure what pulled her out of her thoughts, maybe it was the shouting for the newcomer of the group, or the figure that slowly merged into the light.

She didn't know what to think, everyone around her walked up to them like they were an old friend they hadn't seen in many years. The figure offered small smiles and hello's to the others, but their eyes never strayed far from hers. It was enrapturing, and Clarke could only look up from her seat across the fire and into the deep blue eyes that stole her heart all those years ago.

It was only now she noticed the tiredness behind the eyes, their purpose barely holding on. She also noticed all the fear, the anxiety, the freedom and sparkle from so long ago, now gone. It was only a brief moment, that she caught all of that. Because in mere seconds, a mask filtered over their eyes and the pain behind the eyes was gone.

It was enough, however. A silent communication between the two. _I see you. I feel you. I know your pain._ _I'm here for you._

Clarke felt like it was a dream. Lexa had arrived at this party and was now a mere six feet from her. She said few words, and smiled at her old friends. Embraced Anya like they had for so many years prior, as if she hadn't been gone for the past six months.

She was confused then... a small knowing glance from Anya made her think that Anya had known about Lexa being home all along, and that in turn made it all real.

Her eyes darted away from Lexa and into the beer in her hand. It had gotten warm and now tasted more like bad piss than anything else... She sat it down and walked away from the fire and into the darkness. She wanted to get angry, she wanted to scream and hit the girl and blame all her problems on her. But she didn't. She simply walked a few yards away from the fire and wrapped her arms around herself and stared up at the night's sky. The stars emitting just enough light to allow her to see a few twinkling in the setting sun.

It felt like she had only been there mere seconds before she felt a familiar shift in the night air and a light blanket get draped around her shoulders.

Lexa didn't have to say a thing, her mere presence brought her to her breaking point and she turned into the arms and started crying.

All Lexa needed to do was hold her, and she did. She finally let all the stress and pain from the past few months fall off her shoulders and into the arms of the girl who came home for her.

"I'm here, Clarke. It's gonna be okay." Lexa finally said after a few minutes. Clarke looked up into the familiar blue eyes that grounded her.

"You're home..." It was a statement phrased as a question. Lexa knew it.

"I am."

"How long."

"For as long as you need me to be." Lexa replied, she pulled her back in and held her close. Clarke took in the familiar smell of the girl and relaxed. She wasn't sure how long they stood there, engulfed in the night's embrace.

"Forever?" She finally asked.

"Always." Lexa replied.


	6. Chapter 6: Temple of Thought

_**Alrighty guys, update for ya. Just as a reminder, I do have a new job, and I'm trying to crank out chapter's when I am off. I'm aiming for Sunday's at the latest.**_

 _ **To the Anon who said "She can't drink, she's pregnant" Reread the chapter 4, please.**_

 _ **Also, disclaimer in the first chapter. There are two song lyrics in this chapter. One is Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars, and the other is Hello by Evanescence.**_

 _ **The title of the chapter is Temple of Thought, and the song is by Poets of the Fall. Youtube them.**_

 _ **Onto the Story!**_

* * *

Lexa and Clarke had stood in the shadows for quite some time, until Lexa realized Clarke was barely standing and practically asleep in her arms. She hoisted the girl's small frame up in her arms and carried her inside, tucking her gently in the spare room she knew she had stayed in the night before. She kissed the temple of the girl and whispered "I'll be right outside. Rest, Clarke."

"Don't leave."

The words struck Lexa hard. "I won't. I promise." She sat down next to her and rubbed soft circles on her back and once she was certain Clarke had entered her dreams, she exited the room and closed the door softly.

Once she was back outside, she rejoined the group at the fire and opened another beer. She mildly listened in on the ongoing conversation, letting her gaze rest on the dying flames.

"Lexa? You listening?" A voice drew her out of her thoughts.

"Honestly? No. I zoned for a minute there." She laughed at herself with the others and took a swig of her beer. "What was the question?"

"Link wanted to know if you were up to a cruise to the river this weekend?"

Lexa mulled the idea over. "Perhaps. It'd be nice to go, let me know the details, and I'll let you know? I just got back in today, and I'm not sure what's going on. Hell I haven't even seen Mom yet."

"You've been a bit distracted." Lexa scanned the group for the familiar voice. Sure she said her hello's earlier, but she hadn't paid attention to who was actually here. Raven looked smug, with Wick leaning against the bench she was sitting on. He eyeballed Lexa's reaction, seemingly afraid that Lexa would come across at her. Lexa knew Raven had just called her out, and she was brash enough not to care. Octavia had drawn her from her thoughts earlier, and Lincoln was perched next to her, quietly observing. Tris was the only one missing... she didn't want to think about that.

Anya had truly made this a homecoming worth her attention, yet she had paid none. The squad was here, and in true fashion. She set her sights on Raven. "Reyes. You know damned full well why I am distracted, and if you knew the full goddamned truth, you'd back off." Lexa wasn't gonna take shit when it came to Clarke this time around.

"Enough you two." Anya cut in, pointing a look at Raven, "Reyes, Lexa wouldn't be home if it wasn't for the girl you hold so much disdain for, and you need to cut Clarke some slack, she's been through enough." She cut her gaze from Raven to Lexa. "Lexa, you need to actually give your friends the time of day. We all have been here for you before when dealing with this, and this is no different. But now, since Clarke is resting, give us the time of day, will ya?"

"My bad, guys." Lexa was the first to apologize. She knew she was wrong. "Raven, I'm sorry I snapped at you."

Everyone tipped their beers at her, and Raven responded, "It's good. How long are you planning on staying Stateside this time?"

Lexa hummed for a minute, now that the conversation had geared towards her.

"Probably for good unless I go on vacation, but it will be a few years before that happens." She responded. "I'm considering going back to school to get my Master's."

"Nice," Octavia chimed in, they had always been close, sharing many classes together and being in the same unit back in the Army helped. "Where are you thinking?"

"Not sure yet... to be honest." Lexa replied. "Just a thought. When are you two gonna get married already? Link, honestly, can you not take your eyes off the girl?"

Lincoln blushed a profound red when Lexa called out the idea of them getting married, and the rest of them just laughed.

"Give the poor man a break, Lexa! He's just barely been able to get the girl!" Wick said, half laughing.

Lincoln leaned over and whispered something in Octavia's ear, that cause the giggling girl to go wide eyed and turn crimson herself. She ducked her head quickly in an attempt to hide the blush, but she had been caught.

"Ewwww! I don't need to see that! Keep that in ya'lls bedroom will ya?" Raven exasperatedly said, throwing a handful of marshmallows at Octavia.

Lexa could only laugh at the girls antics as the night went on. It was good to be home, friends made it all worthwhile. She shared a glance with Anya. Only one thing would make this night complete, and that will never happen. No matter how many times Anya told her it wasn't her fault, Lexa will always carry that on her shoulders.

Tris would never be coming home.

* * *

 _Lexa had finished up checking each of the vehicles in the unit over before calling it a day. Her unit had a long night of driving and they finally get to settle down for a couple of days before the next movement. Transportation was the unit she and most of the other girls were in. She knew a lot about cars growing up around them and fixing them herself, and the Army sent her, Octavia and Raven together. She had already sent the other two to secure their bunks for the night and get some chow. She was just finishing up her paperwork before heading that way herself when she heard the quick clunk of a few pairs of boots headed her way._

" _Staff Sergeant Woods!" The voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't place it. So she turned with the intention of addressing the formalities. That's when she noticed the familiar face._

" _Anya?" Lexa questioned, then eyeballed the rank on her chest. Sergeant First Class._ Damn _._

" _Sergeant First Class to you, punk." She winked. "I was wondering when you'd roll up on my base."_

 _Lexa grinned and opened her arms, opening the invitation for a hug from her old friend._

" _I didn't know you were posted here!" Anya walked into the embrace and they laughed. "You remember my little sister, Tris?" Anya had pulled away._

" _Yeah, I heard on the grapevine she was being shipped over." Lexa opened, and then all of a sudden she heard boots click together then a_

" _Corporal Fields, reporting for duty, Staff Sergeant!"_

" _At ease, Corporal." Lexa dismissed. "Reporting for duty?" She questioned._

" _Tris has been posted as a translator slash medical in your unit. I figured I would give you a heads up. You should have official paperwork in the morning." Anya explained, moving so Lexa could see the smaller girl. Tris was smart as a whip, so it made sense as to why she was medical and translator._

" _Well, Corporal, its either Sarge or Woods informally, and this is one of those times. Sergeant formally. Got it?"_

" _Yeah Sarge."_

" _Tris, go ahead and head on back and get some chow and some rest, Lexa and I have some catching up to do." Anya gave her sister a half armed hug and pushed her towards the door. After she was out of earshot, Anya added. "You know I wouldn't have her any other place."_

" _I'll keep an eye on her." Lexa promised._

" _That's all I ask, she's a big girl, and can handle herself, but she also reacts when she should think." Anya warned, like it was news to Lexa._

" _Don't we know it?" Lexa mused, she took a seat and perched her rifle on her desk. "So, old friend, how are you doing?"_

 _Anya laughed and took a seat opposite, and pulled out a small flask with some of the good stuff and passed it to Lexa. They eased into conversation as they passed the liquid gold back and forth and chatted like old times. The day passed into darkness and they walked together towards the chow hall and snagged one of Lexa's specialists they passed and snagged a picture on one of Anya's little point and shoot camera's she carried with her. They laughed and said they would keep the photo when they got home._

 _That would be the last of the good days to ever come out of their time in Kuwait._

* * *

Clarke woke up to the sun glaring brightly in her eyes. She was not a morning person, especially this morning. She felt like everything was a dream. Lexa wasn't home, and last night never happened. She didn't want to wake up to an empty bed, broken heart and a dismal outlook for the day.

She already heard Anya tinkering in the kitchen, and TV on in the room next to her. She supposed she should get up and face the day.

As she wandered out in the living space, dressed and ready to go. She needed to get out, she had been stuck here all day yesterday and needed some air. She saw Anya crunching on a bowl of cereal.

"Mornin'" She mumbled, while she searched for the coffee mugs and a source of her elixir of life.

"Morning, sleepyhead. K-cups are in the second drawer on the left, and there is a note for you on the fridge." Anya said, knowingly. Clarke opened the drawer to a wide selection and choose a brew she knew she didn't mind and started to brew the cup. She mumbled her thanks and threw a glance at the fridge and a small envelope with her name on it. _Lexa?_ The scrawl was undeniable. She took the envelope and tugged out the folded sheet of paper.

 _Hey sleepyhead, I see you still don't rise with the sun. I am still here. I never left. I promised. But I also did promise my mother I would be over for breakfast. If you need to find me, you'll find me there. Also, my phone is back on. Just call or text, if you must._

 _Lexa_

Clarke stared at it for a few moments, and well after her coffee had finished brewing. "Coffee is going cold, Clarke, don't waste it." Anya's smart ass mouth chimed as she slipped by her to deposit her bowl in the sink. "Yes, she is home, and is expecting you'll be at her mom's as soon as you're decent."

"Expecting me?" Clarke asked.

"She figured you would just show up, so yeah." Anya shrugged and returned to her place on her couch.

Clarke shook her head, Lexa assumed correctly. They needed to talk.

"How long has she been gone..." It was an open ended question.

"Oh, I don't know. Couple three hours now?" Anya said. "She left sometime this morning, Around seven-thirty or eight."

"Well then, I suppose I've kept her waiting long enough." Clarke said as she grabbed her coffee and headed to change.

"It's supposed to be rather cold today, so dress warmly." Anya called out. What she failed to mention was the snowstorm that was headed that way. It had been cold enough the past few days at night to keep the ground cold enough in Virginia weather to keep everyone stranded for a few days. Snow was on its way.

Clarke dressed and tossed a warm coat on, and headed out, starting her car and heading the short 15 minute drive to Lexa's parents.

While headed there, she thought about the night before, and how she had essentially collapsed in her friend's arms. She hadn't realized how much she missed the girl. Time dragged on when they weren't together and it just slowed down.

She turned up the stereo on her car and an old song she used to listen to before Lexa and her reunited after six years and hummed along. She supposed it matched her current mood, and the piano in the song reminded her of Lexa's playing when Lexa was always trying to figure something out.

 _Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

She thought of all the times that Lexa was there for her, but in turn, it seemed Lexa was never there either. She supposed time was a fickle thing, and that's all her an Lexa had ever done. Chase the time they had away and separate themselves even though it seemed like fate had other plans.

 _All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_

She mused over the song a little more, and just let the road and the radio speak to her as she turned down the gravel subdivision road and spied the large country home tucked back in the trees in the distance.

 _I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all_

She took a breath and steeled herself. This was going to be one hell of an emotional rollercoaster before it was all over with, and as she parked her car in the driveway, and got out, she noted the music radiating from the three car detached garage and decided she would at least go say hello to her surrogate mother before facing the argument that was sure to happen between the two tempered women.

* * *

Lexa felt the slight rumble of the car before she heard it, even with her music going loud and her being covered in grease and rust from the car she was under. She decided she would just stay put and Clarke would probably find her when she was ready. The transmission on the old 1967 Ford Shelby didn't change itself and she need to get it off and scrapped so she could order the new one and the new engine to match.

Over time she had replaced most of the little things that needed to be replaced, since she was working from the ground up and wanted to build a whole brand new car except for the frame and body, she had a ton of work on her hands, and her mom had found this old rust bucket for her when she was 21 and home one christmas from her overseas tours in the service. She had been ecstatic and she had spent hours that year planning, designing and mapping out how she would break her down and rebuild her together. The design's still rested in her makeshift studio her mom had put in for her when she had the garage built for working on the cars and farm equipment.

She slid out from underneath the car, knowing she needed to be out from underneath the heavy transmission and slid the lift bars underneath the car to raise it in the air. Sure, she could have lifted it prior to getting most of the work done, but she preferred being underneath the actual car and the tight space sometimes. It reminded her how to get dirty rather than just taking the easy way out. As the lift was high enough, she maneuvered the jack underneath the old transmission and wedged it up enough to take the tension off and removed the remaining bolts and lowered it to the ground.

She pulled the offending part out of the way to her accumulating junk pile and proceeded to wash her hands off at the utility sink, using goo-gone to get the grease off her hands and arms and shrugged off her overalls she wore so her clothes wouldn't carry the grime and gunk inside her mom's home. She was a neat freak and hated it when Lexa did that, it made Lexa smile slightly. As she threw her paper towel in the trash can as she headed inside, noting the familiar coupe in the driveway.

She gently opened the door to the house from the attached two car garage that stored the explorer her mother used regularly on one side, and the tool's her step dad kept organized on the other. As she snuck into the kitchen, she heard the conversation carrying on gently from the large family room towards the other side of the house. As she slipped her shoes off and tucked them aside, she zoned in on what was being said. She heard a sniffle.

"It will be alright, Clarke. I know it's not what you want to hear at a time like this, and everything happens for a reason. I lost a child once," Lexa stopped short... _Lost a child..._ "and I felt the same way you do now. I was terrified to have another, but I did, and Lexa is a blessing."

"I hear you, mom. I really do" _Sniffle_ "It's still upsetting." She heard Clarke's voice. "To never get to know something, someone that is a part of you. Its depressing."

"Hold that feeling, because when you do have your first child, it will change your whole perspective on it all." Her mom concluded... "Lexa, you can stop eavesdropping now."

 _Busted._ She took the final step into the entryway to the living room and into sight.

"I just walked in mom. I wasn't snooping, I was just trying to let you two finish your conversation without interrupting." Lexa defended, even though her mother's sharp look knew she was busted the moment the door had opened. _Eye's like a hawk, ears like a damned fox,_ Lexa mused about her mother.

"How are you feeling today, Clarke?" Lexa turned to the girl now staring at her terrified. _Yes, I heard everything you just said, so don't try to hide it._ She offered a small grin.

"I'm alright." She responded. Lexa went over a gave her mother a small kiss on the cheek.

"What's for lunch?" Lexa asked, knowing Clarke had yet to eat that day, and she was starving after working all morning on the car.

"Whatever you're making." Her mother rebutted quickly, the playful banter was quick to resume to a norm.

"Mac and Cheese it is." She smiled and headed back towards the kitchen.

"Don't you know how to cook anything else child? Or did you forget everything i've taught you the past twenty years?" Her mother called after her.

"Nope, I just love my mac and cheese, and that's what I am making!" Her mother laughed lightly and she saw Clarke crack a smile. She laughed in response and went about getting a pot of water boiling on the stove. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she sent a quick text to Anya. _You could have warned me that she had a miscarriage!_

A moment later, a response came back, as if she was waiting for it. _It wasn't my place to tell._

 _Ugh, dammit. I hate it when you are right._

 _You're welcome._

 _I hate you._

 _Love you too._

She chuckled at her friend, no matter how much she pissed her off, she was right. Clarke needed to tell her herself, and as she leaned against the counter, avoiding glancing in the other room at the girl. She couldn't just stare at the pot of water on the stove, because watched pots never boil... Even though she wished they did.

"Aren't you going to ask what that was about?" Clarke had walked into the kitchen and lifted herself onto the counter opposite the stove, and a few feet to Lexa's right on the peninsula.

"You'll tell me when you are ready to tell me, Clarke." Lexa countered. "It's not my place to pry, especially after six months." She sat her phone to the side and crossed her arms, giving the girl her full attention.

"No assumptions?"

"That would make an ass out of you and me." Lexa responded, she pushed herself off the counter and walked over to the girl and sat both of her hands on the counter, entering her bubbled space and making solid eye contact. "I know only what I need to know, nothing more, nothing less." She pulled away from the closeness and added the pasta to the now boiling water.

Silence engulfed the two women as Lexa finished cooking the simple dish, and made three small plates for them, handing one to clarke, taking one to her mom, and the other she grabbed a plastic fork to go with the disposable plate. "I'm heading back to the garage mom, if you need me just ping me okay?"

"Alright sugarbear."

Clarke glanced at her with the unspoken question. Lexa just shrugged and put her shoes back on and walked back out the way she came in.

* * *

Clarke slid off the counter, and followed her out the door into the chilly afternoon, and from what she could tell, and smell, it looked like it might be threatening to snow. She hadn't checked the weather, but it was possible. However unlikely it would surmount to anything. Virginia weather never allowed for much snow as it was, although the occasional blizzard broke through and caused a snow in for a few days at most.

She slipped into the garage space that was still new to her. She followed the sound of the music radiating from Lexa's studio and sat at the chair closest to the door. Lexa sat in the middle of the room, cross legged in her swivel chair, back to her, eyes trained on the drawings and sketches she had of a work up of a Shelby Mustang, and a collage of pictures of what she is assuming will be a before and after work up of the car once she is finished.

She isn't sure how long she sits there, waiting for Lexa to break the silence that engulfed them, but it was long enough that she was able to note the Angry/Upset playlist of Evanescence and Halestorm and others playing from the stereo system in the room.

Lexa's silence could mean a million things, but most of all she figured she spent the last six months in silence except the occasional interaction that was needed. So if this conversation was getting anywhere, she would have to prompt it to begin.

"You're home." It wasn't a question, but it broke the silence. It's all she could say.

"I am."

"Why?" Clarke asked, like it was some big secret.

"I was needed." Lexa tossed her plate into the trash under her desk and turned herself around, looking at Clarke.

Clarke was getting pissed off at the evasive answers. "That explains nothing."

"It explains everything. I was needed home, so I came home. Plain and simple, here I am." Lexa responded. If one thing was true, both of the women had tempers and they clashed often, but it was a thrill to them both. Lexa uncrossed her legs and headed back out to the open garage, cranking the stereo as she passed it. If Clarke wanted this argument to happen, she was going to have to fight for it, tooth and nail. If she wanted Lexa, she would have to fight for her, and Lexa would not make it easy.

She turned the stereo halfway down from where Lexa had cranked it. So the girl could hear the music, but they wouldn't be trying to talk over it. She watched as Lexa pulled the overalls back over her clothes and slid the sleeves of her long sleeve t-shirt up to her elbows.

"Anya called you, didn't she." Clarke asked as Lexa lowered her Shelby back to the ground.

"No. I called Anya." It was the truth. Clarke watched as Lexa grabbed some tools off the nearby tool bench and climbed into the car where the engine used to be.

Clarke always enjoyed watching her work on her hobbies, they always talked about everything under the sun. Well, Clarke talked, and Lexa listened, inputting when she needed and asking for tools if she needed them. Lexa sat cross legged on the ground and started detaching parts and removing bolts and lines.

Clarke pulled up a stool and sat.

"You came home at whose behest?" She watched as Lexa glanced in her direction, and mulled over her answer for a bit before responding.

"Yours." Lexa said simply. As if it was the only answer she needed.

"Anya told you." It wasn't a question. Clarke knew the answer anyway.

"She did." Lexa slid herself underneath the car, and out underneath the front bumper. Supposing it was easier than trying to climb over the front fenders again. She shrugged off the upper part of her overalls and they hung loosely around her waist.

Clarke admired her for a moment, taking in what had changed. Her skin tone was darker from days in the sun, and her clothes fit loosely, like she had lost weight, her shoulders were tense.

"Why did you come home?" Clarke asked. "And don't just give me some bullshit one word answer."

Clarke heard Lexa hold her breath, and allowed her to gather her thoughts while she stood at her workbench.

"Three days ago, I got an urgent message telling me to call. So I did. Anya and Indra showed me the pictures of you, Clarke." She turned and leaned against the bench, crossing her arms. "Anya told me what had happened, and what she had found out."

She crossed the short distance, and gently placed her hands over hers, pulling them up. Clarke hissed a breath and held it. Lexa pulled the sleeve of her coat off and let the jacket fall to one side. Exposing her still slightly bruised arm. Lexa snarled at the sight of the remaining fingerprints of a hand to forceful. "I was pissed off at myself for allowing this to happen." She dropped Clarke's hand back to her lap, and turned her back and walked away. Clarke wanted her to come back, hold her.

"I came home because..."

"Fucking A. I don't know, okay." Lexa became flustered. "I was told to come home because you needed me, so here I am. Here. For you." She gestured to herself and then to Clarke. "I had this all figured out, and every time you put me on the spot like this I never feel like the answer is good enough."

Clarke absorbed the information for a moment before responding. Before she could, Lexa interrupted her thoughts.

"I'm not enough, I get that. One day I hoped I would be, and maybe that's why I came home. I don't know anymore, Clarke." She face the girl "I just don't have all the answer's anymore."

Just then, the cordless phone rang, not allowing Clarke to express herself. Lexa had answered, since it was her mom and spoke for a moment. She thought of the words that Lexa had said. Neither of them had the answers anymore. She zones into the piano's lament that came over the radio and she sits twisting her hands.

 _Playground school bell rings again  
Rain clouds come to play again  
Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
Hello_

 _If I smile and don't believe  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken  
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
Don't cry_

 _Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
Hello I'm I'm still here  
All that's left of yesterday_

Lexa and her never could talk this out, it was just the twisted sense of the world between them.

She was drawn from her thoughts when a cold hand touched her shoulder and pulled her jacket back up over her shoulders.

"Mom wants me to go start a fire, the snow started falling about forty minutes ago, and there is already a good inch on the ground. You probably won't be going anywhere for a few days."

Clarke nodded, and followed the girl across the snow covered driveway and into the house where she had so many memories of happier times between them existed.

* * *

 _Please Read and Review!_


	7. Chapter 7: Adrenaline

_**I'm going to apologize in advance if any service members are reading this as my depiction of violence in this chapter may seem other worldly or exaggerated. I spent no time in the service and know only of stories I've been told. Just be reminded this is fiction and I did what I could to stay as true as possible.**_

 _ **Song is Matt Nathanson - Adrenaline**_

 _ **Oh and sorry i'm a few days late on an update, I fell sick and work has had me busy. I'll make it up to you this weekend.**_

 _ **WARNING: Violence and Triggers.**_

* * *

Lexa could not sleep, she had too much on her mind. She knew Clarke was trying to talk, trying to work out their issues. And Lexa was honest. She was avoiding it, intentionally distracting the conversation, changing it. She wasn't ready yet. It was late, almost three am the last time she glanced at the clock. Yeah, she was staring, and creeping. It was hard not to watch her sleep. She was after all in her parents house, just in the other room, sleeping softly. Lexa cracked the door open about an hour ago, and since then, just leaned against the door frame watching the blonde sleep softly.

She wanted to talk to her, she just didn't know how. Every time she got near the girl her brain shut down and it was like she forgot everything that had happened. Screw the messed up past they had. Every time it was just them, frozen in time. Her brain shut down and the world stopped turning.

She was about to gently close the door and let the sleeping girl be, when a slight whimper came from Clarke and she turned quickly. This paused Lexa... _Clarke never dreams like that._ She thought, and watched a bit more carefully. After a moment, she settled down, and Lexa decided it was a one time thing, and quietly shut the door. As she walked back down the hall to her room, baffled at what just happened, she heard a cry from the room she just left and couldn't refrain from sprinting back towards the room.

As she opened the door, she quickly assessed Clarke was no longer in the bed.

"Clarke?" She whispered, looking around the room. She heard a muffled sob from the ground on the other side of the bed where evidence of the covers being dragged that direction gave away her location. She quickly went around the bed and knelt at the shaking girl.

"Clarke, it's okay, it's me. It was just a dream." Lexa pulled the covers away from the girl and tried to get her attention. "Clarke..." She whispered, gently tugging at the girl's arms.

Lexa watched in almost slow motion as Clarke's arms swung wildly and she got the backside of a curled fist to her cheekbone. She knew Clarke had no intention of hurting her, it was a reaction to the dream she was probably still trying to get out of. But most of all, Lexa was not expecting it and was thrown off balance and fell back into the closet door handle and her head hit the knob rather roughly. She grimaced... _Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark._

"Oh god Lexa I'm sorry." Clarke finally came to herself. "I just reacted, I thought you were Finn."

"Hey it's okay, I've been hit worse." Lexa shook off the pain and pushed herself off the closet door and back into a kneeling position. "Are you alright?"

Clarke had fallen back into her sitting position, arms wrapped defensively around her knees. She didn't respond to Lexa, and Lexa knew the answer was no. So Lexa took action. She stood up, and held out her hand to Clarke, motioning her to take her hand. Clarke looked up at her with wide, scared eyes.

She said nothing, just motioned with her fingers for Clarke's hand to take hers. Clarke did so hesitantly, and Lexa pulled her up into a hug. Clarke accepted the gentle embrace and Lexa pushed her off her body and held onto her hand, and pulled her from the room with a silent intent. Lexa pulled her down the hall to her room on the other side of the house.

Lexa herself had no idea what she was doing, she was just acting on a whim. Sure it was three am, but what a better time than now, stranded in a blizzard, and stuck in the same house as the person who was married to another, but who she loved dearly.

Lexa pulled Clarke into her room and pulled her to a small couch she had for friends when they were over. Pushed her gently into the seat and tugged a blanket off the bed for her to cuddle into in the cold room. Lexa then went over to the small keyboard piano she had bought and turned it on and turned the volume down so that only they could hear the tune, and just begun playing the first song that came to her mind. Her hands flowed over the keys, and she made a few mistakes, but Clarke wouldn't know. Lexa wasn't sure how long she played, it had been a few songs, but she just played, knowing it would soothe the girl a few feet from her.

Unbeknownst to her, however. Was the awe-struck look that had overtaken the girl as she began to play.

Lexa had never told her that she could play piano.

* * *

Clarke watched and listened to Lexa play the piano as the next hour passed. She wasn't sure what to say, but she needed to say something.

"You never told me you could play."

Lexa glanced a her briefly and smiled softly. "I picked it up when I was in therapy. Helped me think and sort out what was real and what wasn't."

"You also never told me you were in therapy."

Lexa paused momentarily in her playing, then resumed. After a few strokes of the keyboard, she finally decided to open up. "I won't get into many details right now, but I had some pretty bad PTSD after I came home from my final tour overseas. Since I was also in physical therapy for my shoulder, they sent me to a shrink, who had a grand piano in his office. I didn't like sitting in his oversized fluffy chairs, so I sat on the bench of the piano and messed with the keys during our sessions. Eventually, he figured out I related to music easier, and suggested I take up lessons to help express myself. So I did, and it helped me cope with the pain and re-assimilate back into the world."

"After some time, I also picked up writing things that occasionally stuck in my head for a few days." She stopped playing and turned to face Clarke, and Clarke smiled softly. "I am glad you play, it's beautiful. What have you written?"

Lexa looked down at her hands, debating on something. Clarke knew it was on what to say next. She stood and walked over to her closet, opened the door and disappeared inside momentarily. Pulling out a box that wasn't large, but not small either, she walked the few steps to her bed and pulled the lid off. She pulled out a leather bound journal with a compass embossed on the front. Clarke watched as she admired it for a moment, quickly flipping through the pages that were written on.

"This functions more of a journal than that of a story I've written." She walks back to her bench in front of her piano. "I'm not sure if I am ready for you to read what is in here, Clarke. Frankly, I'm not sure this is the time either. " Lexa sat the book on the piano, and they allowed themselves to fall into a soft silence as the sun began to kiss the horizon.

"Lexa..." Clarke opened. "I don't know how to get you to open up to me."

Lexa looked hard at Clarke, and Clarke watched as she rubbed her face and stood, and walked to the window, holding her forearm behind her back. It was a tense stance. Her bagging basketball shorts and thin cotton tank top hiding little.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Clarke." Lexa whispered gently. "I thought I told you how I felt three years ago when you moved in with me."

"Tell me again..." Clarke got up and walked up and closed the space between them.

"Again?" Lexa huffed. "How many times do I have to say it?"

"However many times I want to hear it." Clarke brought out a small smile out of Lexa for that one, she brought her hand up and brushed Lexa's arm, and heard her breath hitch.

"You're not the only one who wants to hear it..." It was a stab and Clarke knew it.

"I know."

"No, you don't." Lexa stepped away, and turned towards her, a mix of pain, heartache and anger flashing over her eyes.

"That is where you're wrong. You do not know that I want to hear your feelings. You've kept them secret so long, using simple phrases like 'I know' and 'you too' for so long, it feel's like you've forgotten three little words when it applies to me!"

"I love you, Clarke. I'd stop the world and bring you the moon if that's what you wanted. Its why I left in the first place. No matter how pissed off or frustrated I get at you, I still love you!"

"I cannot deny that. I get jealous and I want to scream and rant and disappear into the midst again and run away from my feelings because you refuse to say how you feel. We need to be honest about our feelings, and we've said that multiple times over the past three years and yet it seems like I am the only one that does it."

"I'm scared to say what I feel, to act on how I feel because of the countless times I have felt like they get pushed aside because of someone else. I don't feel like I am a priority to you, even though in the past ten years, I've put you first."

Clarke was thrown at the abruptness and brashness of Lexa's rant, and she has no response, and no opportunity to formulate one when Lexa invades her personal space.

"Even though I don't feel like I am enough, even though my insecurities want to hear the words from your mouth. Your eyes and body language speaks a thousand words." She whispered, locking their eyes together, and Clarke's breath hitched. "I get within an arm's length of you and my stomach jumps into my heart with a million butterflies and my nerves rattle my core. You render me incapable of thought when I'm near you and it drives me mad."

Lexa held her gaze, and it felt like an eternity, but Clarke finally raised the gall and tried to kiss her, but Lexa pulled away.

"No."

"Why not? You just went on this massive tirade about your feelings, and you don't want that?" Clarke began to get angry.

"Come here, Clarke." Lexa pulled her over to the bed and pulled back the covers, motioning her to get in the bed and effectively cornering her between her and the wall.

"Lexa..."

Clarke watched as Lexa climbed in the bed and got comfortable on her back, closed her eyes and took a breath.

"I don't want you to kiss me because of a confession of my feelings. I want you to kiss me because it is what you want. I do not want you to love me because I came home for you, I want you to love me because you honestly love me and only me. I want you figure out where you stand before you figure out where I stand with you. You need to end your marriage, and spend some time searching for yourself before you start searching for another relationship, even if it isn't me." Lexa looked at her then. "I am here for you, and I will hold on forever."

"Even now?" Clarke asked, taking Lexa's hand.

"Even now." Lexa pulled Clarke close and wrapped her in a hug. "Now, sleep."

Clarke hugged Lexa back, and wrapped her arm around her waist, closed her eyes, and let herself drift off in the comfort of familiar arms.

* * *

 _Lexa wiped the sweat from her brow and reaffixed her kevlar helmet back on her head. Raven was behind the wheel, radio on and belting out the lyrics to the newest song she's obsessed with. Lexa just grinned and radio checked everyone in the convoy, they were the second truck in line and Octavia and Tris were posted in the truck behind them._

 _Tris had joined the unit three months ago and fell into the groove of things quickly, and became close friends with Octavia and Raven. Since Lexa grew up with her sister, it was a given they got along. Lexa also didn't take any shit from the girl, and got her on a respectable track and promoted up to a specialist last month._

 _Today they were transporting supplies, ordinance and reinforcements to a base a few miles outside of Baghdad. The route was often travelled by the U.S. Army, but by no means did that mean it was safe every day. Lexa kept her eyes peeled out the window, and reminded the other crews to scan the horizon. Scouts had reported the road was clear of IED's earlier that day, but that could always change, plus you could never trust that, and if you wanted yourself and your crew to live, you never let your guard down._

 _Today, somebody did._

' _Contact! We've got multiple contacts left flank!' Her earpiece rang with the warning, and orders from the units LT echoed through afterwards._

 _The hummer lurched forward as the whole convoy slammed on the gas, but that was stopped short when the lead driver careened off, and an explosion ruptured the air. Lexa held her breath, and watched in shock as the humvee flipped to its side._

" _Brakes!" She screamed into her radio, "Lead truck just hit an IED! Set up a perimeter and watch your sectors! Blake, Radio for air support, we need eyes! Use the trucks for cover and do not exit your vehicles. That is an order!"_

 _Lt. Gomez came over the radio and asked if anyone from the first truck was still alive. There was two kids in there and Lexa was praying she wouldn't have to write home on their behalf._

' _Truck 2, Woods can you see anything?' her LT asked._

" _Negative, I'm going to try and get to them. Cover me." she radioed back, and it wasn't a request._

' _Negative Sgt!' she heard come over the radio_

' _Too late, LT. She's on the move already. Binks! Provide cover fire." Raven ordered the turret gunner, 'Watch her six.'_

 _Lexa darted around the front of her truck and towards the downed humvee. Shots rang out around her and she heard the tink of it hitting the armor of the vehicle. She paused for a moment and surveyed her surroundings. She was mostly concealed, but she needed to get on top of the vehicle to access the doors._

" _Reyes, I need to open the door above me, am I clear to move?" Lexa asked as she looked back at her truck._

' _So far so good, Binks has your back.'_

 _Lexa nodded and slung her rifle over her back and reached up and pulled herself up onto the side and opened the door. She saw the corporal that was behind the wheel with a pretty bad laceration and bleeding to his face. She reached down and checked his pulse. "We've got a live one." She heard a groan from lower in the truck. "Make that two, wounded. Need medic and evac now!" She radioed, and then a shot rang out and Lexa felt the burn in her arm._ Fuck

' _Roger that, truck four, maneuver to provide cover to Woods and Truck three for evac. Everyone else tighten up and ready to move.' LT took charge and everyone acted._

' _Woods! You alright?' Reyes caught the flash and the flinch from Lexa._

" _I'm fine, lets get these guys out then I can be tended to." She responded_

 _Lexa reached into her pocket and grabbed her pocket knife and cut the snagged seat belt. She grabbed his arms and pulled him out of the vehicle. "Sorry bud, this is gonna hurt..." As she rolled him off the side and he hit the ground with a resounding thud. She then proceeded to jump onto the console and squatted into the humvee and reached down to assess the passenger. She saw he had a few cuts from his head hitting the window a few times._

" _Easy bud, I'm gonna get you home." She whispered to him. She reached under the console and hit the button to release the seatbelt and he fell to the ground in a crumpled mess. She winced for him, he groaned and woke with the impact._

" _Ugh, Sarge, what's going on." He spoke._

" _Easy kid. We're under fire, can you stand?" She looked at him. "I'm not sure if I can drag out you out by myself."_

 _He nodded and started to arrange himself so he could climb out after Lexa. She smiled nodded and hit her radio. "Reyes, were ready to emerge, are we clear?"_

' _10-4, Sarge. Medic is on the ground with the corporal and preparing to load him.'_

" _Roger that, emerging now." She reached up and pulled herself out, and then after clearing the space, reached down to assist her other soldier and pulled him out of the trapped vehicle._

' _Woods, we've got air support inbound to help pave the way, we need to be ready to roll in ten minutes.' LT spoke into her ear._

" _10-4, eta ten mikes." She replied, and hollered to the group below her._

" _You've got six minutes, load up, roll out. Hoorah!"_

" _Hoorah!"_

 _They were almost all loaded and ready to go when the call came out._

" _ **RPG!"**_

 _That's when it all happened. Everyone dove and it felt like slow motion for Lexa. It was only a flash and then the explosion and Lexa was thrown forward towards her humvee and the shrapnel caught her in the back and she could nothing but cry out in pain. She opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. But what filled her was the eyes that she caught not six feet from her._

 _The girl she promised to look after. The lifeless eyes of her best friends sister bore into her._

 _Tris Fields had taken the majority of the impact protecting her medical charge from the blast._

 _All she could think of in that moment, was what was she going to tell Anya._

* * *

Lexa woke with a hitch in her breath and sweat trickling down her brow. Phantom pain seared her chest and arm and she couldn't breath. She scrambled from the bed, waking Clarke in the process. It was violent so it wasn't surprising that Clarke woke.

"Lexa?"

"Lexa what's wrong?"

She was scrambling, hyperventilating and eyes glossy and wide. It was too real. She felt like it had happened all over again.

She darted out of the room and down the hallway, unable to breath and searching for air. She ducked into the bathroom and turned the shower on cold and got in fully clothed. The blast of cold water helped her gasp for air and Clarke followed her, yelling for Lexa's mom in the process.

Within moment's Lexa's mom broke through the bathroom and turned off the water and pulled Lexa out and to the ground.

"Lexa, look at me." She spoke quietly, but firmly. Lexa's eyes had glassed over. "Lexa." She snapped her fingers, and the sound was enough to draw Lexa into reality.

"Who am I."

"Mom." Lexa choked out.

"Where are you."

"Bathroom."

"What year is it."

"2016"

"What did you see."

"Explosion. Gunfire. Tris."

"You are okay. Everything is okay." Lexa's mom coaxed.

"It hurts."

"I know, baby, I know."

"I can't breath."

"Deep breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth." She guided, walking her through the steps and matching her breathing. They did this for a moment till Lexa finally calmed down and was settled enough to rest her head on her knees. Clarke could only watch, Lexa had never done this when she was around or living with her, and if she did, she hid it well.

"Momma Woods. What's going on?" She whispered.

"Clarke, Lexa just had a panic attack resulting in a memory triggering her PTSD." She spoke clearly, never taking her eyes off of Lexa's form. Lexa's breathing steadied, and eventually the tremors stopped. "Can you do me a favor and call Anya? Her truck can brave this weather and Lexa is going to need her."

Clarke nodded and stepped away from the bathroom and dialed Anya on her cell.

"Hey princess what's up." she answered.

"Lexa just had a panic attack. Momma said you need to get over here asap. I think it was something about Tris." She quickly explained.

"I'll be there in ten minutes." the line went dead.

Whatever this was. It was serious. And Clarke was so baffled. Lexa was so strong. It made no sense as to why she was breaking. Clarke held onto her phone, and walked back to the bathroom where Lexa was now standing at the sink. Splashing her face with water and trying to regain her composure. Mom had returned downstairs understanding Lexa needed space with her recovery. Clarke leaned against the doorframe and looked at her with concern.

"Lexa. What just happened?"

"Something that hasn't happened in many years." She looked at her through the mirror. "I need you to give me a little bit of space for a couple of hours. Alright? I'm giving my mother and Anya permission to tell you what happened. Okay?" She looked at Clarke with tired eyes, then wedged her drenched self past Clarke and through the door, down the hall to her bedroom.

She changed quickly into sweats and a long sleeve shirt over a tank top, grabbed her oversized carhartt jacket and walked quickly down the stairs. Lexa went over to her mom, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and a quiet 'thank you', then proceeded outside to her garage.

She tossed her jacket to the side and headed half cocked to the nook she had with a wrestling mat and a punching bag hung by a few chains. And proceeded then for the next god knows how long to punch the inanimate object into oblivion.

* * *

Clarke could only watch as she could do nothing to help the girl who had done so much for her. She followed her downstairs and watched as she strode purposefully from the house. She knew Anya would be arriving momentarily, and hopefully her questions would be answered. She sat on the couch across from Lexa's mom, who offered a comforting smile and resumed her crocheting blanket

Clarke did not know the troubles that had plagued the girl, but would soon have her answers as Anya walked in through the kitchen door.

"Lexa is in the Garage." Clarke stated, assuming that is who she would run to first.

"She can wait." Anya responding, taking a seat on the ottoman in front of her. "Did she give me permission?"

Clarke looked at her skeptically.

"Lexa told me many years ago that if she ever had a panic attack in front of you, to tell you what was going on. Because more than likely, she would never be able." Anya explained, "She also said that she would tell you that I have permission to tell you. Did she give me permission?"

"Yes. She said you and Mom could tell me."

"It's quite a long story, so I'll give you the short version, and you can ask questions. Okay?" Anya said.

"You remember that picture in my living room? Of me and Lexa in Kuwait?" Anya asked. Clarke nodded.

"That was Lexa's final tour of duty. She was sent home because her unit was involved in an IED explosion attack three months after that photo was taken. My sister, Tris. Was assigned to her unit at the time, and I had asked Lexa that day to keep an eye on her and make sure she came home. Lexa's panic attack was her reliving the memory of the day that they were attacked and Tris died." Anya paused for a moment, gathering herself.

"Tris was posthumously awarded the Distinguished Service Cross, because of her actions. She covered the body of her squadmate because he was injured and she wanted him to come home to his family. That man is still alive and home with his infant daughter and four year old son." She gave Clarke a look, making sure she was on the same page.

"Lexa's convoy was hit by an IED and was under fire. Two of her men were trapped in the truck that had flipped, she was awarded the Silver Star for her actions. She put herself in the line of fire to pull them both out of the humvee, and was hit by a stray bullet in the arm while pulling them both out. Tris came up to provide medical support for one that she saved, he suffered the most injury. Insurgents fired an RPG just before they were loaded up to evacuate the area. It hit the backside of the downed humvee, causing shrapnel to fly everywhere. Lexa took a chunk of metal to her back right shoulder. If it had been an inch to the left, she would have been paraplegic or dead. Tris absorbed most of the impact from a large chunk of metal, which hit her in the back of the head, causing her death."

"Lexa dreams, which is what you most likely saw, of that day and what causes her to panic is seeing Tris's eyes. Tris died instantly, and Lexa feels she is to blame."

Clarke could see the pain in Anya's eyes.

"As many times as I've tried to tell her it isn't her fault, she says she knows it isn't. However, I know she still has the initial instinct that she let me down."

"Lexa has come quite far from her initial reactions when she first came home." Lexa's mom butted in from across the room. "Lexa spent six months in recovery from her wounds, and two years following in physical therapy. She recovered ninety percent of her range of motion from the shrapnel in her shoulder. She spent those two years plus another year, in therapy to help recover her mental state. When she came home she couldn't sleep without aid due to the 'demons' as she called them. She hadn't finished therapy when you came back. She finished up about six months after, just after you moved in with her."

"I had no idea." Clarke said, astonished.

"She only made it known to those who needed to know." Anya said. "And at the time, you didn't need to know. But also, understand that Lexa has to cope with this in her own way. She took up music, specifically piano." Clarke nodded. "I assume you've heard her play then... But she also took up sketching, boxing, and writing."

"She played piano last night after my nightmare." Clarke confessed.

"We will get to that." Anya replied. "In the meantime, I need to go kick her ass."

"What?" Clarke asked.

"Once she was on the mend, and after she would have the occasional episode. I would spar with her. It helps her get out pent up emotions." Anya stood, and held out her hand for Clarke. "You should come with, at least hear what is said."

It was then, Clarke's phone decided to ring... Anya recognized the County Jail's number, and snatched the phone.

"Who's this?" She snapped as she answered.

'Clarke? Where is Clarke. Please, Clarke, forgive me?' The voice responded.

"Listen here you son-of-a-bitch. Don't you call her again. You understand me?" She yelled. Then hung up the phone.

"You need to change your number." Anya stated matter of factly.

"Finn called?" Clarke collapsed on the couch.

"He can't hurt you here, Clarke." Anya said.

"No, but he sure can mess with my feelings." Clarke responded, sniffing back tears.

"You two really are meant for each other..." Anya muttered, she tugged Clarke to her feet, and dragged her out the back door.

* * *

 _Read and Review Please!_


	8. Chapter 8: I'm Not An Angel

_**I'm Not An Angel: Halestorm**_

 _ **So I want to express my apologies for the lateness of this chapter. (three weeks to be exact.) It was very hard to write. I've been working almost non-stop, I got pretty sick for two of those weeks, and I am just barely getting better, I just got my voice back tuesday or wednesday of this week. Also, I'm preparing to move into an apartment next week, so I'm packing, preparing and I won't be updating next weekend. I'll push out a larger chapter the following week if possible.**_

 _ **Also, the amount of angst in this chapter is beyond what any I've written so far.**_

 _ **TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains references to suicide. Hell, the majority of the chapter is mostly about it. I lost my brother to this, and frankly the memory in this chapter is the day I found out. It tore my family up.**_

* * *

Lexa had been attacking the bag for forty-five minutes before she paused and grabbed a bottle of water. She had a sheet of sweat over her body and her tank top was soaked. She took a quick chug and tugged the gloves off her now bruised and almost bloody hands.

She didn't need to look to see Anya approach her from the corner of her vision. It didn't take long, because within moments she felt the wind exit her body as she landed roughly on her back on the mat.

"After all these years, you still don't see me coming." Anya taunted.

Lexa remained silent, rolled away and hopped back to her feet. She had barely regained her footing when she saw a left hook headed for her. She blocked with some effort and fell into a defensive stance.

Anya remained on the offensive. This was the routine. They'd spar for about 20 minutes, then Lexa would tire and Anya would start beating her and scoring punches and hits and then the anger and emotions would make themselves known. Then it would change.

Except today. Clarke was here. Lexa closed off.

Anya gave a good one two tap to Lexa that brought her to her knees.

"Enough. Anya. I'm in no mood today." Lexa said, pushing Anya away from her.

"You are never in a mood. What's the mood today? The bottom of a Jack bottle or the barrel of a forty-five?" Anya snapped, she was fed up with the game.

"You have no right." Lexa spat, fire in her eyes. She stood up, and gave Anya a good shove. "It is not your place to bring that up."

"It's a good of a time as any, Lexa." Anya started. "So which is it?"

"None of your fucking business." Lexa muttered turning away, pulling the tape from her hands.

"Bullshit!" Anya shoved her in the back, sending her stumbling. "You fight this. Don't go down that rabbit hole again, Lexa. I won't watch you kill yourself."

"Then don't!" Lexa whirled on her. "I didn't ask for this, Anya. But I live with it. I struggle with it. I am here, and I will find solace wherever I find it. Be damned if it's the bottom of a bottle of Jack. But don't you dare, don't you dare say it's the bottom of a barrel."

"Give me some credit." Lexa whispered. "That was a long time ago."

"And this is the only time I can actually get the truth out of you Lexa. You need to be honest with yourself, and with everyone else who cares." Anya said, responding in a like whisper and a hard stare focused on Lexa.

"Anya," Lexa started. "I am better now. I just needed some time to process okay?" Lexa looked back at her.

"I know I can't change what happened, as much as I wish I could have saved your sister or take your sister's place. Tris did her job, and she did it well. You and I both know what happened can't change no matter how many scenarios we run through our heads."

Silence overcame them over a moment...

"Do I wish I could take her place sometimes?" Lexa turned away grabbed a towel.

"Yes. Of course I do." She wiped away the sweat from her face.

"Am I at a point to where I will take my own life as a result?" She tossed Anya the towel.

"No. Not anymore."

* * *

Clarke had enough listening and watching Anya and Lexa fight out whatever it is they were fighting about. Clarke had stopped listening when Lexa's apparent attempt at suicide was brought up. She marched right up to them and swatted the tossed towel out of the air.

"Does one of you want to tell me what the HELL is going on?" Clarke reeled on Lexa.

"You attempted to kill yourself? You never mentioned that!" Clarke turned to Anya. "Neither did you!"

"Clarke..."

"What the hell is wrong with the both of you? First you storm out here without a word to me as to what is going on, and then I get the abbreviated version of it from Anya, of all people, and then I find out you tried to kill yourself."

"Clarke..." Lexa tries to get the ranting girls attention...

"What!"

"If you breath for a moment. I can explain."

"Oh..."

"Yes, I thought about suicide, and _almost_ attempted it once." Lexa emphasized, _almost_. "Although, in Anya's mind, drowning myself in a bottle of Jack every day also counted..."

"How many times I had to drag your ass into a cold shower after you woke up drunk, it counts." Anya added.

"I admit, the bottom of a bottle of Jack did not solve my problems..." She nodded to Anya. "And I knew that... I was delirious enough to think my gun would solve my problems. That's when, several years ago, Anya found me here. With my bottle of Jack and my 1911 Dan Wesson sitting up in my loft, over there." She motioned to the upper level of the Garage.

"I was toying with the idea, and hadn't resolved myself yet. When Anya showed up, expecting to find me at the bottom of another bottle, she found me sober and toying with that idea. That's when she took my gun, hit me upside the head, cuffed me to a chair, and then dragged me to a shrink the next morning."

"Good times." Anya snarked.

"Yes, and I thank you every day for your intervention." Lexa swatted at her playfully.

"Any questions now that you know what happened?" Lexa asked Clarke.

"I'm honestly still baffled at what happened that started this mess this morning."

"You remember Anya's little sister, right?"

"Yeah, vaguely. She was still little when we met." Clarke responded.

"Tris joined the Army after she graduated, and wound up in my Unit." Lexa explained. "Anya explained to you why I had a panic attack?"

"She said that you had a realistic dream of your unit being attacked." Clarke responded.

"I had a realistic nightmare of the day I was struck by shrapnel in my back, my unit attacked, and Tris's death." Lexa summarized. "Its rare it happens nowadays... but it does occasionally. I've been lucky it's taken this long for it to happen again. I used to have them daily, sometimes more than once."

Clarke greeted her pause with silence.

"When it was happening daily, I discovered the only way to numb any of the pain was to tell my miseries to the bottom of a bottle. Eventually, I drank so much that I would just pass out from exhaustion or borderline alcohol poisoning."

"Why?" Clarke finally asked.

Lexa glanced at Anya, then back to Clarke. "Honestly, I can't answer that. I don't even know myself."

"I can." Anya spoke up. Clarke and Lexa looked at her. "Alcohol is a pain inhibitor, and it did that for you after you got off your pain medication and you had nothing to focus on. You were released from therapy, and you didn't have anything to busy your mind, so you found the bottom of a bottle."

Lexa kinda nodded, agreeing with Anya's assessment.

"So you aren't going to break again?" Clarke whispered fearfully.

Lexa offered a slight chuckle and pulled the girl into a light embrace. "No Clarke, I won't break anymore. I'm here, I'm better, and I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes I just need a bit of time to reprocess some information."

"Did you ever tell her about Nyko?" Anya asked.

"No."

* * *

 _Lexa pulled into the driveway and parked her brothers old Explorer and climbed out. He was out of town with some chick he was seeing and wasn't going to be home anytime soon. So in the meantime, she was borrowing the truck until she was able to afford another car to get her to her crappy rent-a-cop job at a local corporate bank office. She just got off the graveyard shift and no one was awake in the house for an early Saturday morning at the end of August._

 _Sure, she could pursue something better than this job, but it's what she had right now and she had no effort to go out and try to find something else while she was in between active deployments. She ditched her boots at the door, and snuck upstairs to the bedroom she now shared with her extended family until they got back on their feet. Her Uncle Ryder was snoring obnoxiously, and her cousin was mumbling something incoherent._

 _She shimmied out of her work pants and remained in her boy short underwear, unbuttoned her button down shirt and tossed it aside. Leaving her white undershirt on. She climbed under the soft covers of her minx blanket and curled into it and closed her eyes. Allowing the pure exhaustion of little sleep and a struggle to stay awake after 2 am and the drive home consume her. She didn't have to worry about anything today, her parents were going out for a horseback ride, and her extended family could take care of themselves while she slept..._

 _It felt like it hadn't been two hours, but it was much longer than that. She jolted awake and darted down the hallway when she heard her cousin scream her name._

" _LEXA!"_

 _Her instincts kicked in and she knew something was dreadfully wrong. She bolted down the stairs looking for her mother. She was nowhere to be seen. Her Uncle pointed back up the stairs and said "her room."_

 _Lexa was back up the stairs in a heartbeat taking them two by two and didn't even knock on the door before she barged in._

 _Her mother was in tears, sobbing uncontrollably and her father wasn't able to console her._

" _Mom, what happened... Mom. Please."_

" _Nyko..." She sobbed. "Nyko committed suicide."_

 _Lexa was taken aback._

 _Nyko._

 _Not Nyko._

" _No."_

 _Her dad explained._

" _West Virginia State Troopers just called. He was found about an hour ago."_

 _She could say nothing. She just steeled herself and swallowed the sob that wanted to escape. She needed to be strong for her mom. Nyko was her baby-boy. Lexa was her baby-girl._

 _She pushed her way into her mother's arms and hugged her as strong as she could, for as long as she could._

 _Her limbs were shaking, her knees were weak._

 _He was here two weeks ago._

 _He hugged her with a "See ya later, sis."_

" _Later bro." She smiled and leaned into his hug... he kissed the top of her head and walked out the door._

 _That was the day before her 23rd birthday._

 _Not Nyko._

" _Lexa, I need you to call your sister." it came out as a whisper._

" _Okay mom." She picked up the house phone, and dialed her sister's number._

 _She answered almost immediately. "Hey. Are you sitting down?"_

" _Uh, yeah. Whats up."_

" _Lexa, hand me the phone." Her mom interrupted. "Honey... I've got some bad news. West VA State police called about 20 minutes ago. Nyko committed suicide last night. The found him about an hour and a half ago."_

" _What?!" Lexa heard her sister react._

 _It was a sad day for her family. She sought what little comfort she could in the arms of her cousin while her mom was talking to her sister._

 _The morning of August 31st would forever leave heavy hearts in Lexa's Family._

* * *

"Your brother Nyko?" Clarke asked. Pulling out of the hug. Lexa grabbed a bottle of water and pulled up a seat. "You told me he died a couple of years ago."

"Correct. But I never told you how." Lexa took a drink.

Clarke looked at Anya suspiciously. Anya just shrugged.

"I was in between deployments, a few months before my last one that caused this mess." Lexa began. "I was working that crappy security job just biding my time till I got recalled. Nyko was in West Virginia with some girl, I can't remember her name, and I care not to. Otherwise I'd hunt her down and kill her myself." She spat angrily.

"She was playing him for a fool. She wound up pregnant and she blamed Nyko. But god knows whose it was with the amount of sleeping around she did. They fought and he called home upset. Mom talked him down, calmed him, and he said he'd be home the next day, the day we got the call. Come to find out, he had resolved that night to take his own life. Mom described it as a weird sense of calm he had over the phone, and said she should have sensed something was off."

"After he got off the phone with mom, he found his pistol, went to the girl's family's detached garage. Made several recordings on his phone at the time to several people, and at about 1 am on the 31st of August. He took his own life."

"She supposedly went looking for him multiple times and even walked into the same space he was, but didn't see him. It took until almost noon the next day for him to be discovered. It took her almost thirty minutes to call the cops. Once his identity was confirmed. We got the call. I was asleep when I heard the cry that jolted me awake." Lexa paused, allowing that to sink in.

"The reason why Anya asked if I had told you about Nyko... is that that's why I was found mulling over the idea of ending my life two years after he did. I sat there, wondering why he did what he did. Sympathizing with his pain, why he thought he was no use to his family, a quote 'disappointment to everyone, a failure'."

"What he didn't realize... and this is what made me pause and think about it all then... was what it did to us. To my mom, to our family, to me. I needed him then, in my darkest hours, and he wasn't there. I've needed him many times over the years, and he hasn't been there. I will forever have days that I truly need my brother and he isn't there."

"I couldn't do that to my mom, or my family. I was not going to shoot myself that day, nor will I ever for that pure reason alone. My family needs me, and so do my friends." She spared a glance to Anya. "I had a lot going on then, and I needed support and was too proud, stubborn and afraid to ask. Anya was my rock then, and pulled me out of that darkness. I got sober, I stayed away from my guns for a while, and I found myself. I was getting better when you came back into my life. I just finished physical therapy, and I only had a few sessions left with my shrink."

"I still go see him occasionally, mostly when I feel the darkness returning, or when I need to talk something out with a non-biased party. No offense, Anya."

"None taken." Anya replied, she was focused on her phone.

"Otherwise, I'm solid. I'm normal. I have my days that are bad, and I have my good days. I'm human, not invincible like some people tend to think." Lexa grinned and took another swig of her water.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a bit just letting the world revolve a bit and time to pass. Lexa eventually got up and started tinkering under the hood of her mustang and allowing time to pass. Anya was texting and relaxing comfortably on the couch with her feet on the sides. Clarke just watched Lexa mull about and listened to the music in the background.

She couldn't help but see the girl that had been a rock for her in her hard times. The truth of her pains exposed so much and she saw a layer of a girl who put on a mask for everyone every day and dealt with her own problems on her own.

Clarke admired her, saw the scars that traced her back from her wounds, and knew they were much deeper than just on the surface.

Lexa had gone through hell and back for her family, her friends and the people she cared most about, all the meanwhile, just surviving for herself.

 _Life means so much more than just surviving._

* * *

 _ **Rest In Peace, Brother.**_

 _ **Daniel Allen Wright  
October 11th, 1985 - August 31st, 2013  
#Forever27**_


	9. Chapter 9: Photograph

_**So I know the last chapter was pretty heavy, and this one I'm going to try and lighten up at the end a bit. Give our girls some carefree time. Like I wrote in the note in the last chapter, I've been moving and managing working, so this chapter will be a few weeks in the making. I want to give y'all a good long one to read with some good emotions and character development, and a couple of memories.**_

 _ **The song for this Chapter is: Photograph - Nickelback**_

 _ **On with the story...**_

* * *

Thanksgiving, Christmas and the new year had come and gone. Clarke was well on the mend from her mental and physical injuries from her time with Finn. Lexa started working at a local mom and pop garage that valued her expertise and knowledge. She didn't get paid much, but she didn't care either. She was working and spending time with family and friends and it felt like the world finally started turning again.

Lexa smiled to herself, things felt normal again.

She mulled over the time that had been spent over Christmas with her nephew who was adorable as ever.

The most normal thing of it all? Clarke was around regularly, but doing her own thing. She stayed some nights with Lexa, when dealing with the case against Finn got too emotional.

She scowled at the thought. The big event was coming up and she knew it was gonna be bad, and was going to tear Clarke apart emotionally.

But she had a plan.

She already planned a little adventure this weekend, everyone was on board, now that the weather had turned warmer. Everyone was ready to break out their motorcycles and just cruise like they did way back when.

Lexa pulled her Ford F150 into Anya's driveway and tossed it in park. She hopped out and made her way towards the single story rancher. She heard music thumping the windows from the inside of the house and grinned. Someone, she couldn't tell who nowadays, was cleaning and jamming to music.

Clarke had permanently moved in with Anya and paid rent and helped around the house. Lexa was glad the two were finally getting along.

She tried to remain optimistic, and knew Clarke was probably the one with the radio on so loud, trying to do the same.

Today was going to be a long day.

Just over a week ago, Indra came over to Anya's house looking for Lexa and Clarke. Anya had arranged for them to be there when she came over.

Over the past few months, Finn had been begging to talk to Clarke, trying to get her alone so he could do whatever it is he did.

Finally, his shrink and his lawyer petitioned to have a sit down meeting with Clarke and her attorney in regards to the accusations against him.

Clarke had no choice but to attend.

Lexa was taking her to the station, where the meeting would take place. In a secured, well lit and securely watched with audio and visual. Lexa was being secretly allowed to watch from the opposing room with the two way mirror.

She needed to see what happened, and Clarke needed her to be there in support.

So she would.

She firmed her resolve and opened the door to be blasted with some weird rap music that hurt her ears. She walked over to the stereo and hit the power button.

It only took a moment, but a "Hey! I was listening to that!" To echo down the hallway.

"And it was deafening. I think I just lost my hearing in my good ear." Lexa joked as she walked down towards the voice.

She leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms and offered Clarke a small smile.

"Hi." Clarke said, returning the smile in her own fashion. She was half dressed, jeans and bra on, but no shirt.

"Hi" Lexa replied. "You are missing an essential article of clothing, deary."

"I know. I can't figure out what to wear."

Lexa shook her head and muttered. "Women." She pushed herself off the doorway and into the closet that was now full of Clarke's clothing. She grabbed a light t-shirt and a hoodie. Tossed Clarke the shirt and held onto the hoodie. "You'll need this later." motioning to the hoodie.

"Why?" Clarke asked. "And why this shirt."

"You aren't going to impress anyone there, Clarke. It's a simple interview where your attorney will do most of the talking. You are there to just stare at your reflection in the mirror, because you know you'll be looking right at me."

"Doesn't mean I want to do it anymore than I did before." Clarke rebutted.

Lexa just offered a small grin.

"How about this, the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can leave." She had a twinkle in her eye.

Clarke whirled on her and provided her with a stern look.

"I know that look, and that means you are up to no good Lexa Woods."

Lexa just laughed and pushed herself off the door.

"Get dressed or you won't find out." Smiling, she turned and walked out of the room, leaving Clarke to dress herself and find her way out of the house. "We are running late Clarke!" She hollered down the hallway.

"I'm coming, dammit!" followed her. Lexa just chuckled and walked back out of the house and climbed into her truck.

* * *

Clarke was as far sunk into the passenger seat of Lexa's truck as she could get. Scared and nervous and not looking forward to their current destination. Lexa had the music on low, but the soft sound emitting from the radio wasn't helping either.

Her eyes were trained out the window at the trees passing by, chewing slightly on her thumb. She didn't want to do this. She wanted this whole debacle over with, and Finn permanently gone from her life.

She didn't catch the stolen glances from Lexa, or the duffel bag on the backseat, but after a short while, she felt Lexa's hand grab her arm and tug her fingers down from her mouth where she had been chewing, and into her hand.

After a moment, she realized Lexa had put the center console up so the seat became a bench, and they were holding hands in the empty void of the center of the seat.

She felt a slight tug, and looked up at Lexa. Who offered her a small grin and whispered "Come 'ere"

She hesitated only a second, but didn't debate on it. Lexa was offering her comfort while she drove to their destination.

She half slid, half crawled over to her, but put her feet underneath her and allowed Lexa to put her arm around her shoulders and pull her close.

Clarke rested her head on Lexa's shoulder and whispered a small thank you.

"Always."

After a few moments of silence, Clarke put the pieces together. The last time she had sat like this, in Lexa's embrace was the last day they saw each other when Lexa was turning 18 all those years ago...

"It's been a long time since we sat like this." She mused aloud.

"Mmhm." Lexa hummed.

"Why'd we stop?" Clarke asked allowed, more so rhetorically than searching for answers... but Lexa not being one to let a door close...

"Uhm, Let's see... I had an explorer, and you got married." Lexa retorted, and it earned her a swat on the leg. "Hey hey, I'm driving here."

"So keep your no good retorts to yourself." Clarke smiled, Lexa chuckled.

"Hey, it worked. Your smiling." Clarke turned her face into Lexa's shoulder and mumbled something incoherent. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said, you are an ass." Clarke lifted her head up and spoke aloud.

"And you love it." Lexa retorted again.

Clarke could only smile.

At least Lexa was there to make her smile in such a dark time.

* * *

 _It was a bright sunny summer morning and Lexa had the window's down in her old beat up dodge pick up truck and the radio blasting. She was singing the lyrics to Keith Urban's Sweet Thing at the top of her lungs and cruising down the freeway. She was headed to pick up Clarke for the day and she was staying the night tonight before Lexa had to leave for college in the next three days._

 _She was ready for the next adventure, but she wanted to take Clarke with her. She had weighed heavy on the decision to stay and not go to school so that she could be with Clarke all the time, but after some deep thought, and heavy conversations. She was still going._

 _As she pulled into the parking lot she was meeting Clarke, she drove around and found a corner where she could back her truck into and see the comings and goings of vehicles with ease._

 _She was excited, tonight was going to be fun, she was going to have a few other friends over, and sure they were celebrating her birthday a bit early, but she could care less. She was more excited about Clarke being with her. It had been a few months since graduation since they last saw each other._

 _She shot off a quick text, letting Clarke know she was there waiting, and opened a game on her IPod to pass the short time till she arrived._

 _Clarke had responded saying they were about five minutes away, which was good. The A/C in the old dodge was broken and the summer sun was unforgiving today._

 _She also had to remind herself to remain in some control till Clarke's aunt had left the parking lot or they had gotten out of sight. Seemed that she wasn't too much of a fan of lesbians._

 _Homophobe, she scoffed internally._

 _Her phone dinged again and Clarke had texted saying they were about to pull in. She smiled and got out of her truck, aviators on and wife beater hugging her slim frame. She walked around to the front of the truck and leaned against it casually._

 _She watched as the small four door sedan pulled up alongside and Clarke climbed out with a large smile._

" _Hi." Clarke said, Lexa could tell she was holding back from running in for an embrace._

" _Hey." Lexa smiled and turned to the driver. "Thanks for letting me steal her away today."_

" _You're welcome. Just let me know when you meet you in Ashland tomorrow, and Happy Birthday."_

" _Thanks." Lexa smiled at the stranger. "And I will."_

 _Clarke said a quick goodbye and hopped into the cab of the truck, and Lexa climbed into the driver side. Lexa pretended to futz with the radio and a few other things while Clarke's relative left the parking lot._

 _It only took a moment, but once she was out of sight, Clarke slid over to the middle of the seat and Lexa started the truck._

" _Hi baby." Clarke said again._

 _Lexa just grinned and put her arm around her and pulled her closer into a half hug and placed a light kiss on her temple._

" _I missed you."_

 _Clarke smiled and Lexa put the truck into drive and headed back to I-95 and headed northbound._

 _Clarke snagged the Ipod off of its perch on her dash and tuned the radio to her favorite song._

' _What was I thinkin' - by Dierks Bentley_

 _They both started singing along and just enjoyed being in each other's arms again, not knowing it would be the last time for a very long time._

* * *

Lexa had to walk out of the observation room and take a chill pill. She needed a distraction. The things that Finn and his attorney were putting Clarke through were uncalled for and Lexa was losing her self control as each question of this modified 'interrogation' was asked.

She was pissed off that by some god forsaken reason this interview was being forced on Clarke, as if she hadn't been through enough already.

She was drawn away from her thoughts when her phone rang.

"Hello?" Lexa answered, not knowing the number.

" _Hey Sarge, Its Binks. How's it going?_ " It was Corporal

"Hey Binks!" Lexa's mood instantly brightened. "I'm not too bad, can't complain. How's _Sunny_ _San Diego_ treating you nowadays?"

" _It's certainly Sunny, and it's San Diego. Life of the West Coast. I got your email asking about SDU. I figured it warranted a phone call. Why are you asking?_ " Binks asked.

"I ran into an Advisor on my way back into the states. Offered to help me get enrolled in my Masters classes, and possibly even a job on campus." Lexa explained. "I've been seriously considering it, but I know nothing about the place."

" _Well, if you come over here, I'd be glad to show you around and let you crash at my place. I'm only a few miles from campus, and it would save you some money."_

"I'll get back to you on that offer. I might make a trip out there soon, maybe to get a feel for the campus and talk to the advisor and maybe get enrolled." Lexa noted the movement happening outside of the interview room. "Hey, let me call you back later and we can talk some more about it. I need to get going."

" _Sure, no problem. Keep in touch, and hopefully I can convince you to come to the West Coast for a while."_

Lexa chuckled. "Sure Binks. I'll catch up with you later. Bye." She hung up and walked over.

Indra intercepted her and pulled her away into a nearby office.

"Clarke is a mess. I need you to stay here until I get Finn out of this building, do you understand?" She ordered.

"Where is that son of a... I'll kill him myself, Indra."

"No, you won't. Clarke would never forgive you for getting locked up for life too." Indra explained. "Stay put." She moved towards the door of the office. "Anya, come here and keep her from leaving until I say so." Anya moved towards the office and nodded. Indra started barking orders and several detectives and uniforms jumped into action.

"You still going to the river tonight?" Anya attempted to distract me from the ongoings in the office.

"That's the plan, although I don't think Clarke suspects anything." Lexa said. "She hardly moved in the truck on the way here, so she didn't see the gear in the backseat."

"I'm not surprised. Well, Lincoln and Octavia are already headed that way to get everything set up with your Harley and theirs and what they could carry on the bike trailer." Anya explained.

"I'm going to follow once you get Clarke out of here and go get our stuff from the house. Did you get her bag packed?"

"Yeah, it's with my stuff. I did it yesterday while I was there. I don't think she realized a weekends worth of clothes and stuff was missing." Lexa grinned momentarily, then frowned when Finn in his orange jumpsuit and shackles exited the interview room with a smug look on his face like he accomplished something. "I missed something rather important didn't I."

"His attorney tore her apart, and you know Clarke..."

"Emotions get the best of her..." Lexa sighed, eyes pinned on Finn's retreating form.

"Yep. She's gonna need this weekend. I'm glad you planned it."

"Me too... Me too." Lexa shook her head as the doors to the elevator closed. "I hope that son-of-a-bitch gets shanked."

"You and me both." Anya agreed. "Come on, Clarke needs you now." She opened the door and headed towards the interview room.

Lexa followed obediently, but as soon as the door opened she saw Clarke sobbing and rocking in the corner of the room. She darted quickly to her side and made her presence known.

"It's okay Clarke, it's over. I'm here now."

Green looked into blue and suddenly arms were around Lexa and blonde hair blurred her vision.

"Easy, I'm here."

Clarke just cried and couldn't stop, so Lexa used what strength she had to pull the girl up from the floor and into a standing position.

"Anya, can you go bring the truck around? Key's are on my belt." Lexa spoke aloud.

"Sure." it was only a moment before she felt a light tug on her jeans and the weight of her keys leave her side. "I'll meet you at the front in five"

"Roger that." Lexa responded. Clarke refused to let go of Lexa's neck, so she bent slightly and scooped the girl up from behind her knees. "Come on, let's get you freshened up."

She walked the now softly sobbing girl from the interview room to the nearest restroom and switched the deadbolt on the bathroom door to allow them some privacy.

"Alright, come on Clarke. Let's splash some water on your face, and regain some dignity and then I have a surprise for you."

Clarke perked up at the sound of a surprise, and finally loosened her grip on Lexa's neck.

"Yes, I said surprise. Now, you have two minutes, then we are walking out that door." Lexa looked at her sternly.

Clarke just nodded and found her feet and began regaining her composure. Lexa just stood by the door, leg propped on the wall and arms crossed. Watching the now frail and fragile girl in front of her.

She was proud of her for holding it together as long as she did. But now it was her turn to relax and get away from reality for a little while.

"Stop judging me." Clarke said with a sideways glance.

"Who said I was judging you?" Lexa responded.

"I did."

"I'm not. I'm thinking of how much you deserve to get away from all this mess."

Clarke hummed. "So where are we going?"

"You'll see." Lexa evaded, knowing she was trying to get answers. "You ready to go?"

"As I'll ever be." Clarke replied, following Lexa out the now unlocked door and down the hall to the truck.

* * *

The last time Lexa drove out this way was when she was heading back to college for graduation. Now, she's taking Clarke past her college of choice, to a place she found while attending. Clarke was perched in the passenger seat and the center console was down and their drinks perched in the cupholders.

Lexa was trying to lighten the mood, playing her country playlist and singing softly along. The only difference from the good old days between them was the fact this time the A/C in the newer Ford Pickup truck worked and at the speeds she was cruising the hill ridden highway it was better for them.

Tapping her hands along to the beat and humming along to Keith Urban's new single 'Wasted Time' she could only smile at the significance of the song...

 _When I think about those summer nights  
Singing out the window, on the back roads, Sweet Child of Mine  
Sipping on the local's spark of light  
Ain't it funny how the best days of my life  
Was all that wasted time, all that wasted time_

Clarke started humming along too, and started removing the drinks from the console seat and into the lower cup holders and lifted the console up so she could slide over to Lexa and curl into her side.

Lexa just smiled and sung the next verse softly after she got close to her.

 _When I think about those summer night  
Sneaking out the window, running back roads  
Your hand in mine  
We were going nowhere, we were so alive  
Uh huh, ain't it crazy how the best days of my life  
Was all that wasted time, all that wasted time  
We were swinging out on the line  
Living all that wasted time_

Clarke leaned forward and turned the radio down as the song died down to where it was just background noise.

"I remember you told me about the guy you were dating when I came back, but was there any other girls?" Clarke asked.

Lexa remained silent for a moment, mulling over her answer. Clarke got impatient and looked up at her and judged her expression. "Well?"

Lexa laughed, "I'm not sure you'd like the answer."

"That means yes." Clarke assumed, smiling. "Who was it? And why did you never tell me about them?"

Lexa couldn't contain the twinkle in her eye.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Stop avoiding the question."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. Who was she?"

"Her name was Costia." Lexa finally admitted, and just let the statement hang in the air for a while. Hoping Clarke would drop it.

"And..." Clarke affixed her with a mild glare, looking for more answers.

"And... and I thought she was the one to fill the void that you had left."

The silence that answered her was enough for Lexa to know that it wasn't what Clarke wanted to hear.

"Did she?" Clarke finally asked.

"What do you think?" Lexa responded...

Silence greeted her.

"No, Clarke. She didn't. Though for a time it felt like it... But she couldn't stand the distance when I was deployed, and found someone else while I was away. I found out, and that was the end of it." Lexa explained.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about her?" Clarke finally asked as they wound around a tight country road.

"You never asked." Lexa responded, like it was the simplest thing.

Clarke just laughed a bright laugh, and Lexa chuckled and turned the radio back up.

After about 20 minutes of winding back roads without lines and nothing but trees and fields and the occasional farmhouse, Lexa slowed the truck down and turned the radio down.

"We are here." Lexa smiled, pulling in and parking next to the three motorcycles parked in the gravel lot.

"And where is here?" Clarke asked.

"A little piece of heaven." Lexa smiled, turning off the ignition to the truck. "Come on, let me show you." she grabbed Clarke's hand, and pulled her from the truck and towards the rope bridge suspending a shallow but flowing river.

Anya, Raven, Octavia and Lincoln were splashing in a deeper part of the river a few hundred feet away, and after a moment they noticed their arrival and waved. Lexa and Clarke returned the smiles and waved back.

Lexa let go of Clarke's hand and watched her look around the serene quiet watering hole tucked back in the Virginia wilderness.

All Lexa could do was smile. This was her hide away, her little piece of heaven tucked back away from the world and reality.

"Where... How... How did you find this place?" Clarke finally found her voice.

"Mom dated a guy when we were in high school that lived a few miles back down the way we came, and showed me this the weekend after graduation. I mentioned it back then, but I didn't think you remembered. I come here all the time to get away and escape from reality." Lexa explained as she walked slowly across the roped bridge suspending the river.

"I figured a few days ago, once we found out about today, that you needed to escape reality for a while. So we planned a little get away weekend." Lexa turned about middle of the way across and turned to face Clarke.

"So, what do you think?"

Clarke smiled and laughed nervously but continued her slow pace across the bridge.

"Let's get to the other side, and I'll show you."

Lexa chuckled lightly, smile remaining on her face and turned to lead Clarke the remaining distance to the other side of the river and where their friends awaited...

And Lexa's reward.

* * *

 _ **I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my Newborn Niece...**_

 _ **Welcome to our world, Sophia Rose!**_


	10. Chapter 10: Mockingbird

**_I wanted to express my sincerest apologies for everyone sitting on pins and needles waiting for this update. Its been sitting in my google docs for months, and I've not updated. Work has been slammed and I have had a lot going on in my personal life that has kept me away from my laptop. I will do my best to crank out the next two chapters in a much better time frame. Work seems to be slowing down and I've had some creative thoughts that i've tucked aside for the next couple of Chapters. Which sadly will turn darker._**

 ** _Also, I plan a sequel. But I won't post anymore details about that right now._**

 ** _Please leave a note with any ideas you may have for the story!_**

* * *

 _Clarke couldn't shrink any further in her seat, even though she tried really hard. Sitting across from Finn was hard enough. But listening to the words come out of his attorneys mouth was worse. She couldn't even look at the two way mirror and search for Lexa's eyes in her own reflection._

 _Her attorney told her to stay quiet and not respond to anything. So she has. It's hard, given she's being called "unfaithful, slut, whore" and every other colorful name in the book._

 _Finn sure knew how to pick 'em. Women and lawyers alike, she scoffed internally, knowing she was one of those women._

 _She wasn't sure how long the degrading continued between both lawyers aimed at the others clients._

 _Fucking Finn was sitting there like a smug bastard._

 _She wasn't sure how long it took of her praying for it all to end, but it felt like forever before Indra burst through the door with two uniforms in tow._

" _Enough. I have heard enough and I'm sure enough has been said. This is a waste of my interrogation space. You two can settle this grudge match in a courtroom." She marched right up to the now standing attorneys, surprised at the interruption. "Gentlemen, please escort this dirtbag to holding, so he can be taken back to jail, where he belongs." She moves towards Clarke and stands in front of her. "You two can see yourselves out. I can take care of this from here."_

 _Clarke released the breath she didn't realize she was holding once Finn was taken from the room. But she felt his eyes on her the whole way out, and could have swore she heard him mutter something._

 _She pulled her knees up to her chest in the chair and shuddered._

 _Indra crouched at the chair and put a comforting hand on her shoulder and rubbed gently._

" _Lexa is waiting outside with Anya. She will get you away from here."_

 _Clarke just nodded, but didn't move. She needed just a moment to breath._

* * *

She took a deep breath and pulled herself from her thoughts and memories from earlier that day.

Clarke sat perched on the collapsible lawn chair watching as the people around her lounged aimlessly in the warm spring sun that was slowly setting behind the mountains trees. Soon, a chill would land and it would be too cold to go back in the water.

Clarke smiled and glanced over at Lexa, who was floating aimlessly in the deep pool spring. Clarke noted her eyes were closed, but her hands moved ever so slightly to keep herself in the same little patch of sun. So Clarke knew she was awake. She wore a white cutoff sleeveless shirt, that had a tear at the neck line, and swim trunks.

She didn't know what drove her to do it, but she stood, and walked slowly into the water in an attempt not to disturb her, but as the water got deeper and she gently swam towards her, Lexa dropped and turned to face her with a smile.

"You can't sneak up on me, you know that right?" she mused.

"I wasn't trying too." Clarke grinned and pushed herself into Lexa, wrapping her arms around her neck.

"Clarke." Lexa fixed her with a look. Knowing Clarke wanted something.

"I want to see them."

Lexa's breath hitched, ever so slightly. She knew exactly what 'them' was.

"Why?" She asked.

"Because you've seen mine, and I've only seen part of them. I want to know the story, your story..."

Lexa searched her eyes and Clarke allowed her to see the truth behind them.

"I don't want you to hide from me anymore." Clarke said, pulling her hands down to her upper chest just below her neckline. "You've hidden behind these walls too long Lexa."

Lexa's eyes darted to Clarke's hand resting gently above her scar, fighting the instinct to rub the hidden wound.

"It's not pretty." she stated simply.

Clarke just slid her hands below the surface and began to pull the shirt up only to be stopped abruptly.

"Clarke." Lexa had grabbed her wrists and looked at her with pleading eyes.

"Lexa, please." Clarke looked back at her.

"You will always be beautiful to me."

Lexa's heart rate accelerated rapidly, but she slowly released Clarke's wrists and allowed herself to be pulled into a shallower part of the spring. They were now standing just above chest deep water, the water licking cautiously above their abdomens.

Clarke pulled the shirt up to that level, then darted her hands underneath to bare skin. Hoping it would give Lexa some comfort. She felt Lexa tremble ever so slightly beneath her touch, felt her breath quicken and watched as Lexa closed her eyes and tried to control the slight panic that had consumed her.

"Breath, I've got you." Clarke whispered silently.

"I know." Lexa whispered. "This isn't something I expected to happen for a while."

"Then just let it happen." Clarke tried to lighten the mood. "Turn around." She ordered silently.

Lexa gave her a curious look, but didn't argue, and slowly turned as Clarke's fingers grazed silently around her abdomen to her back. Lexa felt Clarke regather the shirt she wore in her hands and pull upwards slowly to expose the skin and as it rose she felt it stop just below the scar. She took a deep breath and steadied herself, then raised her arms up as an invitation that she was ready.

Clarke pulled it up and exposed the bikini top that was underneath the shirt, and pushed it over Lexa's head so that Lexa could take it off and hold it.

What greeted her was the remains of an angry entry from shrapnel that healed and then was embraced with Lexa's shoulder sleeve tattoo accentuating the scar to one side.

She let her fingers fall to it and trace the angry lines.

She felt Lexa shudder and wince beneath her.

Lexa balled up the shirt and tossed it half heartedly towards the shoreline.

Clarke watched the muscles flex and the scar tissue tighten.

She leaned in and kissed the scar.

"I'm sorry." she whispered

Lexa just shrugged slightly.

"It wasn't your fault."

Clarke tugged gently on her side, telling Lexa to turn back around.

"No, it wasn't. But it doesn't mean I'm not sorry it happened. I'm also sorry I didn't care enough to ask."

"You didn't know." Lexa explained, Clarke wrapped her arms around her neck and pushed her back into the deeper pool, wrapping her legs around Lexa's waist. Lexa treaded water easily with her holding into her. "I didn't exactly let anyone in after that."

"I know." Clarke responded, she brought her hand around to the front of Lexa's neck and traced the residual scar from the shrapnel.

"What did it feel like?" Clarke asked. "If you don't mind me asking."

Lexa just smiled slightly. "I told you I'm not gonna break Clarke. It's fine..."

"Okay..."

"It felt like..." She searched for the words for a moment. "It felt like someone just put an axe on a fire till it was white hot then slammed it into my back and out of my chest."

She watched Clarke's reaction, and let the truth settle. Clarke winced and let the thought settle as she traced it gently.

"Where are your other scars?" she asked absent-mindedly.

"Skillfully hidden by a fantastic tattoo artist who took a lot of my money." Lexa laughed.

Clarke gave her a look and grinned.

"It's the lion's left eye." Lexa lifted her bicep out of the water and turned it so she could see the faint traces of scar tissue. "I can only tell when I turn it just right. But I know it's there. I feel it."

"He did a good job. I normally can tell those details." Clarke admired.

"I paid good money to not be able to tell." Lexa said, in all seriousness.

"Then why did you not cover up the other scars?"

"Because I covered them up with other, less expensive options." Lexa motioned to the now abandoned shirt. "And I only see them when I look in the mirror."

"They are beautiful." Clarke said, "You shouldn't hide them."

"Clarke..." Lexa started, pulling Clarke's arms from around her neck, "Those are not something people like to see. I do not want people's pity. I want their respect. I want to be treated like a normal human being." She pushed off towards a large rock towards the rear of the spring.

"You are normal Lexa, you just have scars, normal people have scars." Clarke argued.

"Not like this." Lexa pushed up so she was sitting on the rock. "These scars scare children. These scars make people grimace and stare."

Clarke couldn't respond, because she was now admiring Lexa's full upper body. Lean, muscular and littered with stories she just wanted to engross herself in for days.

Lexa almost got mad, till she saw Clarke was staring in awe, not in disgust. So she reached down and cupped her hand just ever so slightly, and sent a splashing wave over Clarke's head. Laughing in delight when Clarke was caught off guard and wiped the water off her now drenched face.

She hadn't laughed like that in a long time.

Clarke couldn't help but laugh along with, but then kicked herself closer and grabbed her lax arm and pulled her into the pool beside her. Effectively silencing the laugh for a moment, only for Lexa to resurface a moment later and continue laughing.

It was cut short by Anya cutting in on the laughter, bringing them back to reality.

"Hey you two. Daylight's fading. It's hard enough driving out here in daylight. Let's not leave here in the dark shall we?"

"Yeah come on! We've got a party to crash!" Raven chimed in.

"This hair doesn't fix itself!" Octavia added.

Lexa just laughed and pulled Clarke close, kissing her lightly on the lips. "Hopefully there will be more of this in the future."

Clarke smiled, "Hopefully"

Lexa gave her a smile and pulled away and back towards the shore.

* * *

They all had piled up into the vehicles and drove a few miles back down the road to a cabin home along the road. Lexa still had friends out here and they were allowed to come in and shower and change once they had finished swimming, knowing that the hour long trip back into civilization soaking wet would not be comfortable. Lincoln passed on the shower, and took his leave, leaving the girls to have their "Girls night" and passed on overstaying his welcome. He smiled at Lexa and hopped in her pickup and headed towards Staunton, to get the hotel situated and ready for their late arrival.. Promising to not leave a scratch on the new Ford, or he would pay with his life.

Clarke was currently in the shower, now that Raven and Octavia had finished theirs, Lexa and Anya were both finished already, just allowing the clean spring water to dry and opted to refresh their skin with lotion instead. Relishing in the fading sunlight, they sat together on the porch swing of the small cabin and made small talk, mostly about Lexa's trip, what she did and where she went.

"So what's next then? Grad school?" Anya asked after a moment.

"Yeah, I think so. I met this advisor in the airport in Dubai. Ironically, he was reading a Thomas Jefferson biography, and we got to talking. He gave me is card and told me to get in touch when I was ready." Lexa explained.

"What University?" Anya pressed.

Lexa just smiled and dropped her gaze, knowing that Anya knew when she was avoiding the truth.

"San Diego. University of California, in San Diego."

"So that's why Binks called you." Anya connected the dots.

"Yep. I emailed her a month or so ago, asking about life there." Lexa shrugged.

"You do what you gotta do Lex, we will be here when you get back." Anya said.

Lexa just nodded, and gave her friend a grateful smile.

"I'm not sure when, but it feels right." Octavia and Raven joined them on the porch.

"Then go for it, kiddo." Anya said giving Lexa a slight punch on the arm.

"Go for what?" Octavia asked. Unbeknownst to Lexa, Clarke was just inside, listening in to the conversation.

"Grad school. Feels like it's the next step, you get what I'm sayin." Lexa responded.

"Hell ya girl, go for it." Raven responded. "We got your back, you know that."

"Always." Octavia agreed.

"Always." Lexa responded.

"So, we about ready to hit the road? I'm ready to go crash a party." Raven said, bouncing on her good leg.

"Just waiting on Clarke." Anya responded, smiling at Raven's antics. She never let anything sour her mood.

"And I'm ready to go." Clarke said, opening the door and making her presence known on the porch, masking her astonishment to Lexa considering grad school and not talking to her... but she was ready, donned in a pair of skinny jeans and hoodie, to hold back the night air.

"Then let's roll out.!" Raven said excitedly.

"Hoorah!" Octavia echoed, and Anya followed suit.

"Hoorah..." Lexa chimed in quietly, approaching Clarke.

"You ready to fulfill something on your bucket list?" Lexa asked.

Clarke gave her a curious look. Lexa just smiled and moved off the porch. "Come on, daylight's fading fast!"

She looked at the others, Octavia and Raven were getting onto Octavia's motorcycle, and Anya was quickly braiding her hair so it would remain under her leather jacket. Lexa walked towards another, which looked closely like hers without the saddlebags, quickly braiding her hair as well.

"Come on, Clarke, time to go!" Raven hooted.

Lexa pulled on a leather coat around her shoulders, pulling her braid out so it was loose. She grabbed a helmet and turned to face Clarke.

"I'm confused. Where is the truck?" She asked.

"Lincoln left with it about 30 minutes ago while you were in the shower." Lexa responded.

"Why..."

"Reason's you don't need to know. Here," Lexa lifted up the helmet and began to put it on Clarke, lifting the visor so that Clarke could see her and hear her better. "There is a little microphone in the front here, where your mouth is, so you don't need to shout if you want to talk. You'll be able to talk to me and hear me talking as well." She reached down and grabbed her own helmet and tossed her leg over the bike and sat, putting her helmet on.

Clarke heard through the earpiece. "Well come on, ain't got all day, unless you plan on walking back." Lexa snarked. She held out her hand to let Clarke balance as she tossed her leg over the bike and sat down gently. Anya had approached as Lexa had sat down on the bike to allow her to show Clarke where she needed to sit, and how to hold onto Lexa.

With the visor open, she explained. "Put both of your feet here, on these spots. Yep, Lexa can hold you up. Don't worry about that. Now just gently hold Lexa's waist. Like that. Listen to her and keep your body with her's she will control the bike easily so long as you relax and enjoy yourself." Anya explained, then closed the visor, giving her a thumbs up and patting Lexa on the shoulder.

She heard the earpiece key in, "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be." Clarke responded.

Lexa revved her bike to life, and Clarke jumped at the feeling of the bike below her. "Relax, she won't bite." Clarke could hear the chuckle in her voice.

So she smacked her gently on the shoulder, causing her to laugh out loud.

She adjusted herself in the seat, kicked the stand up and steadied the bike. "Hold on Clarke, and get ready for the ride of your life." Easing onto the accelerator, they eased to the end of the driveway and all three bikes in tandem overtook the road and rumbled Clarke's bones.

The rode for a while and Clarke got ahold of the feeling of riding with Lexa, but she was still terrified.

"Clarke, you need to look up, look around. Trust me." Lexa spoke quietly into her ear.

Clarke shook her head no.

"Please, Clarke. For me?" Lexa begged quietly.

"What if I get sick?" Clarke whispered.

"You won't. We aren't going very fast." Lexa promised.

"Do you trust me?" She pushed.

"Yes, of course." Clarke responded.

"Then look up."

Clarke waited a moment, then lifted her head from Lexa's back. Lexa turned her head ever so slightly when she felt Clarke move, but remained focused on the road in front of her. Clarke looked past her to the road ahead of them and it was winding, so they took it slow. She risked turning to see Anya just to the right and a smidge behind them, who offered her a thumbs up, and she turned just slightly further and saw Octavia and Raven just behind them, who both offered her another thumbs up and Raven an over enthusiastic whoop into the air.

She grinned, then turned forward and began to watch the landscape flow by. She relaxed, and the road widened and the trip began to quicken as they picked up speed. Clarke admired the rumble of the bike beneath her and relaxed against Lexa.

"I see why you do this. Its..." Clarke struggled to find the words.

"Freeing." Lexa supplied.

"Exactly. Freeing." Clarke agreed.

The fell silent again as they wound through the country highway back towards civilization.

"Thank you, Lexa. For all of this, for everything." Clarke spoke quietly.

Lexa didn't respond, but she took the hand she had been resting from being extended, and grabbed Clarkes hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, then resumed her focus and control over her Harley.

Time seemed to slow as they rode, and they both relaxed and enjoyed the trip, but it felt like it ended too soon when they rolled into the nearby college town, and pulled up to a local motel.

* * *

Raven hurried everyone into their rooms and then back out to the waiting taxi to take them to the nearby frat party they intended on crashing. Raven and Octavia were excited, and Clarke couldn't help but join in on the excitement. Anya stayed behind, claiming exhaustion, but Lexa came along and sat in simple silence. Smiling at the antics of the others.

The party was in full swing, and Raven and Octavia had crashed the beer pong table, reigning over challengers to their unbeatable game. Clarke watched and laughed nearby, admiring their tenacity at the game, and nursing her newest beer that had been shoved into her hands. She looked around for Lexa's familiar face but couldn't find it. So she wandered off in search of her friend.

She wandered around the main floor, and didn't find any sight of the brunette, so she wandered out to the yard where a handful of others hung out around the fire pit outside, but she didn't see her. So she called out just loud enough to see if she was nearby.

"Lexa?"

"Up here." her soft voice called back. Clarke turned and looked up and the porch roof of the second story house.

Clarke smiled. _Of course she would be hiding in plain sight._ So she headed back inside and up the stairs into the nearest room where the window was open and Lexa's small form was sitting just outside of it.

"I wondered where you ran off too." Clarke climbed out and took a seat next to her.

"Parties were never really my thing." Lexa shrugged.

"So why do you come?"

"Hah! Someone has to keep those two out of trouble." Lexa laughed, implying Raven and Octavia.

"You sound like you're speaking from experience." Clarke mused.

"I've spent the past ten years with those girls, between college, boot camp, and Iraq. Yeah, I'm speaking from experience." Lexa replied. "Those two plus liquor equals trouble. Simple math."

Clarke just chuckled. They sat in silence for a while, admiring the stars shining above.

Finally, Clarke pipes up.

"Thank you, Lexa. For everything you've done in the past few months for me."

"Always, Clarke." Lexa replied. "Always."

Clarke knows Lexa isn't telling her something. And it's been bothering her that she hasn't said anything to her. So she decided now would be as good as any time to say something about it.

"What's on your mind, Lex? You've been keeping a something from me, I'm not blind." Clarke tossed out there.

"The future." Lexa replied simply, like it was obvious.

"Like that answer's everything Lex." Clarke snarked... After a moment, she did the math. "You're leaving again aren't you?"

"It's grad school, Clarke. I'm considering going to grad school." Lexa explained. "So if that in your mind equals I'm leaving again, then yes. I am."

Clarke was caught off guard at the bluntness, and sharp tone of Lexa's voice.

"I'm sorry." Clarke whispered.

"You did nothing wrong, Clarke. You don't need to apologise." Lexa softened. "Yes, I was keeping this from you, but only because of the drama in your life. You don't need my issues right now."

"I may not need them, Lexa, but I want to know of them." Clarke said. "You are my friend, and I know you've shared with Anya, and Raven and Octavia, but you haven't with me."

Lexa sighed. "I'm not sure you really want to know. Like you said. I'm leaving again."

"I'd rather know where you're going than not at all." Clarke replied.

"San Diego." Lexa replied after a moment. "I met an advisor while I was overseas and he referred me there. I've looked into it and it looks promising."

"I'm not going to hold you back anymore, Lex." Clarke said. "I want you to do what you want to do, be who you want to be, without our love for each other holding you back."

"Clarke..."

"No, Lex. I'm serious. I need to find myself too, even you said that. Take time for me, figure out me. Right?"

Lexa just nodded, knowing it was the truth.

"Then go, Lex. Don't hold yourself back on account of me." Clarke was passionate about this.

"I'm not, Clarke. It's just a heavy decision to make." Lexa explained. "It means I would totally uproot and move across the country. Away from you, my mom, my family, Anya... It's not just you I would be leaving essentially."

Clarke nodded knowing that Lexa's family was her life.

"And I don't want to lose you again, Clarke. I don't, I would wait another thousand years for you if I had to."

"I'm going too, Lex." Clarke replied. "I've looked into NYU for Nursing... I submitted an application for the fall."

"That is awesome Clarke. I'm happy for you." Lexa smiled and bumped her shoulder against Clarke's.

"Thank you, but go to San Diego. We will find each other again. Always have. Always will." She pressed.

"I know." Lexa replied.

"Making me eat my own words again, Lex?" Clarke chuckled and nudged her shoulder.

"Of course." Lexa laughed, but was stopped short when a loud boom overtook her senses. She held her breath and Clarke could see how she froze and eyes locked wide like a deer in the headlights.

"Easy, Lex. It was a firework." Clarke reached over and put her hand on her shoulder. "Lex?"

"Clarke!? Lexa?!" Raven and Octavia shouted from below, looking for the pair.

"Up here guys!" Clarke replied back now squatting next to Lexa, trying to shake her out of her shock.

"Clarke..." Raven hollered up, while Octavia darted back into the house. "You may not like this, but smack Lexa. Hard."

"Do what?" Clarke turned.

"Like this..." Octavia was quick and already squatting on the roof next to Lexa. Clarke had barely turned enough at her voice to see Octavia full blown palm slap Lexa on the cheek.

"What the hell!"

"It's the only way to get her out of it. We've tried everything. It's either that or her falling into a panic attack." Octavia explained. "You back Woods?" she turned back to Lexa.

"For now. Time to go." Lexa replied, rubbing her cheek.

"Yup." Octavia stood and held out her hand and pulled Lexa up. "Come on Clarke."

They climbed back through the window and made their way downstairs to see Raven chewing a kid a new ass.

"You said there would be no fireworks! What the fuck!" Raven was as angry, and they noticed.

"Raven, I'm fine." Lexa tried calming her down.

Raven continued yelling at the kid.

"Reyes! That is enough!" Lexa finally snapped, and she used her authority tone so Raven snapped towards her.

"I swear Lexa, they said there wouldn't be any fireworks." Raven tried to explain.

"It's fine, it wasn't this group that set them off." Lexa waved towards the kid. "Now can we get outta here before it starts up again?" She moved towards the door and somewhere to breath.


	11. I'm Sorry

hey everyone. i wanted to apologise. i know most of you are probably and excitably going yay! shes updated. but im not. i have abandoned this story because of one reason alone. heartbreak.

i cannot continue to write about this story.

My story.

Because of my clark.

i may decide to post in length my reasons why. and maybe a few old in depth journal pages i wrote back then. but for now. i wanted you all to know. this story will not see its end.


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